“Grief and gratitude are kindred souls…each pointing to the beauty of what is transient and given to us by grace.” – Patricia Campbell Carlson
Some of the most powerful and potent truths of life are held within paradoxes. Like this one: grief & gratitude. If you are in the process of grieving, gratitude may be the last thing you want to think about. It may even spark feelings of anger or frustration. You may think: How can I be grateful when I have lost someone or something that was so important to me?
The “Right” Way to Grieve
When we experience loss, whether it be that of a loved one, a relationship, a life we once lived, or even a part of ourselves, grief is a common emotion. We feel a deep sorrow or emptiness, because something that was once an important part of our life is now gone. It is important to accept all of the complex emotions that come with loss. Grief is a universal experience, but that does not make it any easier to understand or navigate.
After years of extensive work with terminally ill patients who were near the end of their lives, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously outlined the five stages of grief as it relates to death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But these are not meant to be an exact roadmap, nor do they always occur in this order. Everyone experiences grief differently, and we may go back and forth between these stages, or skip some altogether. There is no “right” way to grieve. We are allowed to feel intense emotions. We are allowed to acknowledge the pain and the feeling of hopelessness.
Grief often comes as a result of things that we cannot control: sickness, accidents, or other people’s decisions, to name a few examples. We cannot control whether or not we grieve. However, there are parts of the grieving process that we can control.
As the Serenity Prayer states, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” When we can begin to make a distinction between the things we cannot change and those we can change, there is simultaneously a declaration of powerlessness and power. There are some things we can change–even in the midst of grief.
We get to choose how we cope with our grief. If we do not allow ourselves to grieve externally, grief that is trapped inside will likely become even more consuming and destructive. As we begin to walk the path of grief, there is the possibility of using negative coping mechanisms like isolation, using drugs or alcohol, and other self-destructive behaviors. Then there are positive coping mechanisms like counseling, connecting with loved ones, meditation, or a practice of gratitude.
Grieving with Gratitude
In times of intense grief, gratitude probably does not exist naturally. It is something that we must choose to practice. Cultivating a practice of gratitude in a time of grief can be a powerful step towards taking control of your own thoughts and actions. As outlined in our previous article, Gratitude | The Opposite of Addiction, practicing gratitude can have positive effects on mental health, connection in relationships, and the brain itself. But especially during periods of grief, gratitude holds a distinct power.
It may seem counterintuitive at first, being grateful during a time of pain. And if you have never had a gratitude practice before, it may feel like exercising a new muscle–very unnatural at first and most definitely sore at some points. Although the grief will not disappear, gratitude can radically change the grieving process by reframing the way you think about your own experience. Now let’s consider a few ways that gratitude may shift our thoughts and experience.
First, it may be helpful to note that the sheer fact that you are grieving may be a reason for gratitude, because if you are grieving, you had something to lose. Whether it is a person, a relationship, or a part of your life, you experienced something that was so important to you, that its absence is painful. Could we consider being grateful for that experience, even if it is in the past now?
Second, gratitude can be a way of fully experiencing the present moment. When we notice things that are here right now, we become more grounded in our own reality. Becoming present is not meant to lessen or erase the past, it is meant to help us move through our hours, days, and months mindfully and stay aware of what we are experiencing. Grief can often become a blur of time and reality as it pulls the rug out from under us and we try to remember how to navigate through our lives. Gratitude exposes things that are happening right in front of us that we may not otherwise notice.
“I am grateful for the sunrise today.”
“I am grateful for the people who are here to support me.”
“I am grateful for the body that carries me.”
Third, gratitude can transform your connections with others during the journey of grief. Grief is often accompanied by isolation, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It is natural to feel like no one can understand the feelings of loss and emptiness that we are experiencing. But as we stated earlier, grief is a universal experience. Anyone who exists long enough will experience loss and grief at some point. And although everyone has unique and individual experiences of grief, there is common ground to be found. If we allow gratitude to keep us grounded in the present, we may look around and see people who are ready and trying to support us.
If we choose to really engage in the journey of grief, we will probably even find people who have experienced pain that is very similar to what we are feeling. And all of a sudden, grief doesn’t have to be quite so lonely. We can see someone who is a little ahead of us on the journey, and it might bring a semblance of hope. And as we go, we can look back and guide those who are behind us, letting them know that the future is brighter than they can imagine right now.
A common experience of grief is an inability to imagine what your life might look like in the future. It can be so difficult to picture yourself being content without having whatever it is that you lost. Gratitude can help transform that; not all at once, but just the slightest bit each time we practice, by allowing ourselves to see that there is still good happening around us. And then eventually we might see that there is still good happening within us, walking hand in hand with our pain.
Gratitude is not a medication for the pain of loss. It is not meant to end your grieving or make you forget. It is a shift in perspective, and nod of your head and your heart towards what was good and what is good.
