By Matt Shedd

Addiction is a disease characterized by a constant state of violence, both within and around the person suffering from it.

As anyone close to someone with an addiction can attest, dysfunction seems to radiate out from the person. They cause upheaval wherever they go, and in the later stages of the disease, any number of consequences can surround them. Violent arguments, arrests, assaults, domestic abuse (both physical and verbal), can become common occurrences.  It’s a process that the Big Book of AA describes as eventually causing “annihilation of all the things worthwhile in life.”

The Root of Discontent

It is easy to see this violence in its later stages. Dramatic consequences disrupt the lives of everyone around the person in addiction. But all along the way, beneath the external manifestations, there is an internal unrest at work.  Even before the first drink or drug is taken into a person’s system, the Big Book describes the root of alcoholism as the constant, unrelenting feeling of being “restless, irritable, and discontented” until they are able to drink again.

This discontent is at the very root of all the subsequent violence that accompanies addiction. It is this discontent that sets in motion the urge to adjust, coerce, or force people and circumstances to be different in order to feel ok. As one adds on a steady diet of substances that manipulate their emotions, the disease only increases its irrational and violent demands on the person and everyone else.

But even if the person in active addiction manages to cease using all substances, and he or she is physically detoxed from the dependency, that state of discontent is still present.

The question then becomes: how can he or she respond to the deeply felt conviction that one’s current circumstances and emotions are intolerable? How does one confront this internal struggle with their life circumstances and learn to accept the unacceptable? This is the question that must be addressed. If not, the gnawing discontent ratchets up and eventually becomes so intolerable that even the most resolved and strong-willed individuals will return to using their drug of choice.  

Treating a Spiritual Disease

For this reason, alcoholism and addiction at its fundamental level is a “spiritual malady” preceding even the substance use. I use the term spiritual here in the broader sense, as an understanding of one’s self in the world and how one fits into the larger story of life. This may or may not include traditional religious belief and practice, but as implemented in a 12 Step setting, it does require concrete actions to reorient oneself to life.

As someone participates in the process of the 12 Steps, they are gradually disarmed of their judgments, hostilities, and expectations they had unknowingly picked up over the years. These beliefs have placed them in opposition to life. It is precisely these preconceptions about how their life or the world “should” look that cause the discontent that eventually leads to substance use and the havoc that follows. We accumulate these expectations often without even realizing it, and so the 12 Step process involves laying these weapons down continually to face life as it is, rather than the way we wish that it was.

A Nonviolent Approach

By the time we have reached Step 10, the Big Book tells us we “have ceased fighting anything or anyone–even alcohol.”

The actions taken in the Steps resolve the internal conflicts of discontent which used to plague the person. They address the fundamental dissatisfaction with life that drives the person to their addiction and the violence that always comes with it.

The Big Book goes on to say in the section on Step 11 that we can carry this nonviolent approach to life with us throughout the day. When faced with uncertainty, we resist the urge to pick up our weapons of coercion to force things to go our way. Rather: “we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.” Having surrendered our weapons, our help with our problems seems to come from a place outside of us. We no longer need to force solutions to our problems.

Through the process of surrender offered in the 12 steps, we are given the grace to accept things as they are without responding by coercion or violence–even if they are unjust or we do not like them. Circumstances outside of ourselves no longer have the power to compel us to react. We find a new form of power, one that is different from coercive power that attempts to manipulate people and circumstances. It is a power that allows us “to match calamity with serenity” on the personal level.

The Steps enable us to encounter resistance without reacting with our typical, violent responses. We lay down our weapons and defense mechanisms to meet life as it is and strive toward a new life.

On April 3, 1968, the night before he was assassinated, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. stated society’s two alternatives to a crowd gathered at Mason Temple in Memphis, Tennessee:  “It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence in this world; it’s nonviolence or nonexistence.”

Those in active addiction may find themselves facing the same choice.

How Practicing Gratitude Counteracts Addiction

When potential clients seek treatment at MARR, our assessment counselors end the intake interview with two questions: 1). What things are going well for you? and 2). What goals do you have for treatment?

Coming up with goals is easy. In active addiction, people lose a great deal and can see plenty of things they are hoping to change about their lives. But finding things that are going well can feel impossible.  Even for clients that still have family members in their corner, money in the bank, and a job to return to, it’s very difficult for them to see any of that. Addiction has strangled their ability to see that anything is going well. Their gratitude muscles have atrophied.

Addiction puts us into a state of “never enough,” not just with alcohol and drugs, but in all areas of our lives. It forces us into seeing the world through a lens of scarcity and competition. No matter how abundant our lives may actually be, all we can see are the things that we lack. From this perspective, we have to remain ever-vigilant and on-guard to make sure that we get our hands on what we need.

But when we actively participate in recovery, our perspective shifts. We cannot help but be grateful. As opposed to scarcity, we see the world through the lens of “more than enough.” What our clients often learn is that the shift to gratitude that accompanies recovery has less to do with achieving goals than undergoing a change in perspective. In active recovery, challenges and setbacks can also become opportunities to deepen the connection with one’s community and higher power.

Chores that used to simply be irritating in active addiction, like doing the dishes or taking out the trash, can infuse dignity and self-respect into one’s daily routine.

Practicing gratitude doesn’t mean that we have to ignore the hard parts of our lives, or that we are living in denial that life presents challenges. But working from the mindset of gratitude and abundance, we can broaden our consciousness to include an awareness of the good while also confronting crises and loss.  As Marcus Aurelius said, “Our life is what our thoughts make it.”  There are so many parts of life that we can’t control, but we can control our focus. With a practice of gratitude we can focus our minds on the good – community, kindness, recovery – and begin to realize how much we already have, rather than hyperfocusing on our difficulties.

Gratitude During the Holidays

The holidays create an excellent pause in our lives for all of  us to begin or deepen our gratitude practice. As many of us sit around dinner tables surrounded by people we love, we will be reminded of everything we have. Also, the break in our busy schedules and ever-growing to-do lists is significant. It not only creates perspective and leads us to appreciate the good in life, but can give us the emotional space we need to begin cultivating this essential skill.

But what starts at the holiday dinner table can expand to all areas of our lives. In its definition of gratitude, Harvard Medical School writes “gratitude…helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals – whether to other people, nature, or a higher power.” Simply put, when we practice gratitude, we are getting to know our higher power, ourselves, and each other. This true connection is what allows us to fight the isolation of addiction.

Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude. ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

In addition to the spiritual benefits, there are very real physical health benefits as well. Being grateful has a powerful snowball effect on your entire body, and it all starts in your brain. The act of noticing what’s going well triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, improving heart rate variability, and physically lowers our heart rate and blood pressure. In fact, a study at UCSD suggests that patients at risk for heart failure show significant improvements after keeping a gratitude journal for just 8 weeks.

Developing a Practice

Developing a gratitude practice is a little like working out for the first time or learning to play an instrument. It may feel particularly strained at first as you are trying to get into the routine. But it might be the simplest way to change your entire outlook on life, whether you are in substance abuse recovery or not.

A common practice in twelve-step fellowships is to make a daily gratitude list. Writing just five things each morning that bring joy or meaning into your life can be a manageable way to do this. Limiting this list to five items keeps the task from becoming another overwhelming daily chore. The more specific, the better. Try to avoid overgeneralized, prepackaged answers like “My wife, my kids, my house…” but give yourself the opportunity to really notice something new and take delight in it. Rather than simply putting “my wife” on the list, a more helpful entry might be: “I’m grateful that my wife made the effort to spend time with me last night after dinner, even though she had a big presentation she was preparing for at work the next day.” The specificity works out the gratitude muscle all the more.  Also, finding new things each day, no matter how small, or how much we usually take them for granted, makes it easier to enter into a grateful state of mind.

Like all aspects of spiritual growth, gratitude benefits us, but also spreads compassion to all those we come into contact with. The people around us will feel the difference. As Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, writes, “When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.”

Sources:

“The Science of Gratitude” on WNYC  https://www.wnyc.org/story/science-gratitude/

“In Praise of Gratitude” from Harvard Medical School – https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in-praise-of-gratitude

By Matt Shedd

In the classic study of mythology and world religion, “The Hero with a Thousand Faces,” Joseph Campbell famously outlined the hero’s journey. Surveying myths, stories, various faiths, fairy tales and folklore, Campbell proposes that every character’s journey, and our own spiritual journeys, follow the same general pattern.  

At the beginning the story, the hero isn’t a hero yet. Luke Skywalker wanders the sand dunes of his aunt and uncle’s farm in Tatooine; Frodo and friends are living easy in the Shire; Harry Potter is locked under the stairs.

Then, something bursts into the characters’ lives to call them out of their ordinary, everyday existence into a journey that changes everything.

Initially, the hero usually refuses the call. The path into the unknown that lies ahead is too frightening and uncertain. Harry doesn’t believe he’s got the stuff to be a real wizard. Luke doesn’t think he could possibly be the hope that Princess Leia is looking for.  

We understand their reluctance. Their journeys are going to involve leaving home, stretching boundaries, trusting unknown helpers, and mastering new tools for the difficulties ahead. The going gets rough and there are always moments when our heroes wished they had never left the safety of the familiar.

A similar thing happens to people suffering from an addiction. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, compulsive or codependent behavior, life has become predictable and tiresome for the person with the addiction. In fact, the routine becomes destructive to themselves and those around them.  But it is familiar, and therefore, less threatening than doing something different.

Then, a call to adventure bursts in. A life-changing opportunity presents itself, although it never feels that way at the time. For the person entering recovery, this call usually comes in the form of a major consequence, such as an arrest, car accident, loss of a job or an ultimatum from a loved one. These situations are distressing, fraught with uncertainty, and overwhelming.

This call is often initially refused as well. The refusal usually sounds like some variation of one of the following: I don’t need help with this; I just need to cutback; You’re overreacting; I’m just going through a tough time; I can quit on my own; I just need time to get this under control. All off these are ways  of saying, Please don’t make me leave the the routine that I know, even if it’s killing me.

Like the heroes in the stories, our clients typically think that the journey is impossible. Total and lasting recovery from a life-threatening chemical dependency just seems too good to be true. They have reached for that freedom too many times and failed.

Fortunately, the call to adventure comes with the promise of help from something bigger than ourselves.

The journey we invite clients and their families to take is more heroic and challenging then saving Middle Earth or subverting the galactic empire. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about recovery as a “complete psychic change” where “old ideas are set aside” in favor of a new way of living.  Working the 12 steps takes a person from the extreme nearsightedness of constantly fighting for survival to being a useful, valued, and compassionate member of their family, community, and friend groups. They are given a life “free[d] from the bondage of self.”

Recovery means moving from being a spectator into an active participant. Recovery has the ability to turn us into people who ask: What can I contribute?, rather than What can I take?  

If that’s not a heroic journey, I’m not sure what is. It’s heroic because it’s a journey that not only saves the life of the participant but contributes and helps to save the lives of those around her as well.

For a summary of the change that occurs on the journey, you can’t beat this description from The Big Book:

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends – this is an experience you must not miss.”

That’s why MARR is here. In fact, that’s why we’re all here: to help facilitate that transformation for one another.

How Letting Go Opens the Door to Genuine Connection

Raise the white flag, throw your hands up, or fall to your knees. These small actions can have significant meaning. Sometimes surrender seems like defeat. It may seem like weakness to give up what we are doing and turn to someone else for direction, but when it comes to addiction, surrender is the only way. Our old way of doing things has failed us. Trying for change by our own power has not been strong enough to change our actions and their consequences.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” – 3rd Step of the 12 Steps

Step Two is about believing that a better future is possible, but Step Three is about making a decision. But making a decision is not the same as putting that decision into action. There is a story told in AA about three frogs that were sitting on a log at the edge of a lake. Two of the frogs made the decision to hop into the water. So, how many frogs were left sitting on the log?

The answer is three. Making a decision to hop into the water does not mean that they actually hopped into the water. In the same way, making a decision to turn our will and our lives over is not the same as the action of surrender. The action comes when we work steps 4-12. So for some, the process of Step Three may be quite short, especially because we have already admitted that we are powerless AND come to believe that a power greater than ourselves does exist. For others, Step Three may be very difficult because of one word: God.

If “God” feels complicated

‘GOD’ is a heavy word. It means something different to everyone. For some, it brings a sense of comfort, security, or grounding. For others, it brings pain, confusion, and even trauma. Every single human has a unique concept of God that has been shaped by what they were taught, things they have learned, and experiences that they’ve had. Some people talk about God and assume that everyone agrees with their concept of who or what God is. It is important to understand that, as long as there is a foundation of respect, other people can have diverse understandings of God without posing a threat to what you believe. This is especially true when we are talking about the Twelve Steps.

For some who do not consider themselves religious, G.O.D. is used as an acronym for Group Of Drunks. The recovery community itself can function as a Higher Power. For others, Step Three can be closely connected to their religious practices. The important thing is that we are surrendering our will and our lives to something that is stronger than we are alone.

The 12 Steps are not Christian. A.A. and N.A. are not religious organizations.

For people who have a robust and working understanding of how they relate to God, the phrase “as we understood Him” may seem insulting. Those people may feel that their understanding is under attack or threatened by another person’s understanding.  That is certainly not the intention. Rather, the phrase gives us full freedom to explore, to wonder, and to find what works for us individually.

The phrase “as we understood Him” also helps to protect people who are working on developing their own connection with a Higher Power. Too often, a specific interpretation of God can serve as a convenient way for those in power to control those entrusted to their care. In such cases, although the authority figure  may say “God wants you to do this and that”, if that person was honest, he or she would probably say “I want you to do this or that.” The small but crucial phrase “as we understood Him” helps preserve the autonomy of people in the recovery community. By giving the responsibility to each person to define God, it provides an opportunity for each person to take responsibility for their actions as well.

Spirituality is connection

At MARR, we define spirituality as the ability to connect to self, others, and the God of our understanding. We are not here to shape your idea of God or to define the way you practice spirituality.  We are here to help you discover what spirituality means to you. What is going to be stronger than drugs or alcohol in your life? How can we develop practices that contribute towards greater love and understanding for ourselves and others that will help us maintain lasting recovery? Addiction is a disease of isolation and disconnection. Even though we may care about our loved ones, or our career, or our physical well-being, addiction will win if we are operating by our own power. Addiction tells us that drugs or alcohol are the only way to be okay.

True connection is more powerful than isolation. Finding belonging in community can pull us out of the dark depths of self-centeredness and hatred. When we turn our eyes and our attention away from ourselves, we begin to discover that power. The loyalty and trust of a sponsor can show us our own worthiness. Being a part of your home group or your religious community can bring joy and purpose. Serving others as a part of your own healing can give new life.

“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”

– Dr. Brené Brown

Your personal practice of spirituality is not going to work for everyone. The acceptance of this diversity is a part of what makes the recovery community so powerful and beautiful.

The opposite of active addiction is active recovery. The disease of addiction will not be reversed with an easy fix. That’s why there are meetings full of folks who have 30 and 40 years of sobriety, because recovery is a lifelong journey. In active recovery, we keep showing up. We keep surrendering the same things over and over again. We turn it over because we now know that we can’t handle it on our own. And through this journey, surrender becomes an action, not just an option.

In his book Breathing Underwater, Richard Rohr writes that “all mature spirituality, in one sense or another, is about letting go and unlearning.” We are often told to let go of things like bitterness, or situations that we can’t control. But sometimes change requires letting go of things that are deeply rooted in the way we live our lives.

The journey of recovery is about unlearning the lies that we have believed to be true. It is about letting go of toxic patterns that have brought us to a point where we are sure that there is no way out.

Thousands of small actions and fleeting moments combine to create the way we experience the world. Our habits have formed the fabric of our lives. Things we learn inform our conceptions of truth.

In active addiction, the disease has led us to a point of danger and hopelessness. The habits and patterns that are deeply ingrained in our lives are drowning us. We have probably tried and failed to change on our own, so we must turn our eyes to something outside of ourselves.

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. – Step 2 of the 12 Steps

Step Two can seem a bit daunting. The idea that we need our sanity restored, not to mention that we need a Power outside of ourselves to do it, seems overwhelming and almost too mystical. But it is important to start by saying that the journey of the 12 steps is not a claim to have all the answers – or any answers, really. It is actually about starting to ask the right questions.

• Do I accept that I am really powerless over alcohol or drugs?
• Have I been unable to break the vicious cycle of addiction by my own power?
• Do I believe, or can I even begin to believe, that better is possible?
• Can I believe that the ability to change must come from a Power greater than me?

A Power greater than ourselves

There is a common misconception that the 12 steps are overtly religious. They are much better described as spiritual. This Power does not have to be synonymous with the Judeo-Christian God, or any form of organized religion for that matter. The power of community can be greater than ourselves. The cosmic and evolutionary power of the universe can be greater than ourselves.

The point is, every effort to solve the problem of addiction by our own power has failed, so now we must turn to something bigger, something stronger, something greater. The individualistic world around us rejects that we need anyone or anything other than ourselves, just as it rejects the idea that we are powerless. That is why this is a process of surrender.

This step does not tell you who or what you have to believe. You get to discover a Power greater than yourself, and you get to explore what that looks like in your life. 

Therefore, Step Two is a rallying point for all of us. Whether agnostic, atheist, or former believer, we can stand together on this step. True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith. – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Fostering hope

Step One outlined the unrelenting grip that addiction has on one’s life, as well as the reality of powerlessness. It is about acceptance. Step two is about starting to develop and claim hope.

Hope is not meant to be a vague or distant concept for which we just cross our fingers, bow our heads, or wish upon a star. Hope is real and grounded. You can find it within the circles of the recovery community. You can find it in meetings, when folks in all stages of recovery come together to create spaces of radical acceptance, because they believe that better is possible. You can hear it in the stories of those who were once swallowed by darkness and now live in light.

Claiming hope does not mean that we have no doubt or uncertainty. In fact, if we are honest, we will find that hope and doubt often coexist, and the tension between the two is actually a good and beautiful thing. We do not have to have certainty, we just have to be willing to show up. There is power in showing up with open hands-willing to be wrong, willing to accept help, and willing to believe that better is possible.