In everyday life, willingness can be defined as a readiness, desire, inclination or preparedness.

However, in the field of behavioral health, willingness has a slightly different meaning. This is due, in large part, to how the term is utilized in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) literature, namely the 12 Steps.

Step Three in the 12 X 12 contains the verbiage:  “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”  Essentially, this statement has two components: first, the person must openly acknowledge that the life previously driven by his or her own desires and actions led to discomfort [consequences] and often a destructive addiction; and second, he/she must take the intentional action of surrendering his entire life to a higher power. This step naturally and inevitably leads to the action required to engage Step 4 – preparing a searching and fearless moral inventory.

This concept of willingness continues to show up throughout many aspects of 12 Step recovery, because the truth is, willingness isn’t just an idea. True willingness takes effort and action; it is a key aspect of ongoing recovery.  In the early days of recovery, having a small amount of willingness can make a huge difference in a person’s struggle on their path of recovery. The counter balance of this willingness is willfulness. Willfulness is really just our unbridled will. To have things, life, relationships, and fun just the way we want it.  You’ve no doubt heard the phrase, “I want what I want when I want it.” This is what we call self-will run riot, and the essence of addiction.

So willfulness and willingness are at opposite ends of the spectrum. But the steps that lead to those opposite ends are often taken in small incremental steps. In other words a small amount of willingness can go a long way towards healthier choices and a better life. This kind of willingness is where the person in recovery makes a choice to listen to someone else and demonstrates a willingness to consider doing something a different way than he/she would have chosen on his or her own.

For example, when someone comes into residential treatment at MARR, they are asked to follow some simple rules, that, no doubt, many believe are stupid and make no sense. They can’t for the life of them understand how not dipping or smoking in the apartment has anything to do with their ability to stay sober long term. We ask for their willingness to follow these simple [but hard to follow] rules.  We know as counselors that their willingness in this instance is not a guarantee of long term recovery, but this decision and subsequent action takes them a step closer to experiencing surrender and learning more about willingness.

Willfulness would say, those rules are stupid and won’t make any difference in my being able to stay sober; but Willingness would say, I think this rule is stupid, but it must be there for a reason, and my best thinking got me into the mess I’m in, I will follow this rule.

In our Men’s Recovery Center, our patients demonstrate both willingness and willfulness throughout treatment; they vacillate between our way and their way, between their way or God’s way. Perhaps one of the greatest moments that willingness comes into play is when they realize they might need to confront one of their peers in the therapeutic community.  One of the primary reasons why the therapeutic community works is it provides many opportunities for men to truly be themselves [warts & all]. While each man allows the real self to come out and interact with other community members, eventually conflict occurs. This is precisely when the man in treatment is forced to make a decision about their willingness to confront the issue with their peer or remain angry, resentful, and sullen. So at the prompting of a peer in his community or his counselor at MARR or his 12 Step sponsor, he may choose to be willing to confront his peer. All kinds of fears go through his mind – like I have to live with this guy, or I’ll just wait it out and see if he changes on his own. If he is willing to be direct and talk with his peer about his struggle, there is an opportunity for honesty, integrity, and growth. This willingness is monumental and demonstrates growth and doing things differently than he has ever done before.

Sometimes in the struggle to become willing to confront a peer, it seems to be too big of a step and a counselor may ask him, “Are you willing to be willing to consider confronting your peer?”   Sometimes men find it a bit easier to be willing to become willing. This isn’t just a play on words or double talk. It really is an invitation for the individual to consider if he is even willing to become willing to consider this. So it’s less of a long and scary step. He may say – Yes I’m willing to be willing to consider talking with my roommate about this issue. This is not a complete decision, but an early consideration and processing things in recovery is a necessity.  This underscores how critical willingness is for people in recovery.

The bottom line is the action associated with willingness is fundamental to successful recovery. First he must display willingness to surrender to another way of seeing and doing, remain open to others, and ultimately to surrender to God. Being open to others and demonstrating some humility to not necessarily choose his own way – is rarely easy, but critical to growth, change, and progress in recovery.

By Courtney Robbins, CAC-II

The hallmark of any good holiday movie or sitcom is the moment when things don’t go as planned. Who doesn’t love a good joke about “Mom’s dried out turkey” or the moment when Cousin Eddie pulls up to the Griswold house in his rusted-out RV?  The things that go wrong and the ensuing chaos and frustration is what really makes us laugh. Why is it so hilarious? Because we can relate!

We’ve all had a less-than-stellar potluck dish, and many of us probably have that one family member who is channeling the “Cousin Eddie” vibe. However, when we start to have these kinds of experiences directly in our own lives, it becomes a lot less funny and a lot more awkward and frustrating.

The holidays may often bring up difficult feelings, complicated situations, and maybe even some fear.

So as my holiday gift to you, here are five tips that can help us take good care of ourselves, our recovery, and our sanity through the holiday season:

1. Holidays are not always happy. First things first, let’s acknowledge that the media is hard-selling us the idea that the holidays are going to be nothing short of magical. But let’s be real: we’re in Atlanta and we’re not going to have a white Christmas. It’s probably going to be 85 degrees and raining, and that new sweater is going to be awfully hot and itchy. Let’s dig deeper and get really real: the holidays are often filled with tremendous grief, stress, pressure, and anxiety. When we look at our lives and they don’t match the story we are being sold, we may begin to believe the lie that there is something wrong with us. Hear me when I say this: there is nothing wrong with you or your experience. In one way or another, the holidays are hard for us all. Know that you are not alone.[su_spacer size=”20″]
2. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. So, not every holiday is happy, but it’s important to be hopeful that your newly-sober holiday may hold the potential for more joy, happiness, and meaning. But sometimes folks in early recovery confuse hope with a sure outcome. Hope that your brother won’t ask you to get high with him this time because he knows you just got out of treatment, but expect that he might, and prepare with your sponsor for how you are going to safeguard your recovery. If you are a family member of someone in recovery, hope that your loved one won’t violate your boundaries by asking you to slip them a little extra cash, but prepare for how you will say “no” in the event that it does happen. This is about taking responsibility for closing any potential back doors that addiction may try to slip through.[su_spacer size=”20″]
3. Watch What Happens. No, I don’t mean to watch a steady stream of Bravo shows. The Real Housewives are clearly ill-prepared to help you respond to difficult feelings in a healthy way! What I do mean is this: take a step back and try to be mindful about what is happening around you. Watch it unfold as if you were a third-party observer. Try not to assign judgment to yourself or others. See what you notice, write down interesting observations, call your sponsor or a trusted person in your network and discuss what you have observed. It’s okay to take a step back from your feelings when things become overwhelming. It’s okay to just try to observe facts. This can actually help us make better decisions about what to do with the feelings we are having, rather than impulsively reacting out of them.[su_spacer size=”20″]
4. Assume Positive Intent. This one is challenging, but it can really help to diffuse difficult feelings about our loved ones. Grandma may tell you how much she missed you at the family reunion, but she heard that you went to this place called “MARS” and that you’re doing much better now. She is going to ask you a million times what “MARS” is, and you will correct her a million and one times and tell her, “It’s actually MARR, Grandma!” You will feel the shame and annoyance start to build. This is where you get to practice assuming positive intent. Assume that Grandma loves you so much and that she is just trying to understand. Assume that she has been worried sick about you and is searching for some way to show her support. Suddenly, you don’t care so much that she perhaps thinks you were on another planet instead of in treatment, you are just grateful that you can give her the gift of easing her mind by showing up sober this holiday.[su_spacer size=”20″]
5. Laugh at yourself. Sometimes, if all else fails we just have to laugh. Sometimes our personal holidays are just as much a comedic disaster as those we see in the movies. Taking a deep breath, taking ourselves way less seriously, and marveling at the absurdity and hilarity of it all can sometimes be just what we need to make it through. Reach out to your network, tell them how bad the turkey was, and tell them that your Grandma apparently believes you have been orbiting in outer space. Chances are, the folks in your network are having some rough patches in their holidays too, and maybe they could use a good laugh.

It is important to note that I would never suggest that these tips are the tips to get you through the holidays. If you are working a recovery program, you know yourself and you know your unique stressors and triggers. So by all means, implement the strategies that work reliably for you. More than anything, my hope is that everyone will remember to intentionally plan for how they can take good care of themselves this holiday season.

By Amanda Holloway, LPC

Everybody knows that “sex sells.” This is true of so much of the advertising we are exposed to, that many of us never consider what is being purchased. Quite simply, these images have bought space in our heads and that gives direct access to our hearts and as a result, our lives.

Many millions of dollars are spent marketing to adolescents, the most vulnerable group. As teenagers, we are trying to figure out who we are, and how to belong and fit in. We are becoming more independent, and beginning to look at the future. One of the primary ways we learn to belong is through watching and imitating others. The average young person in the United States views more than 3000 ads per day on television, the Internet, on billboards, and in magazines. Advertisers are always seeking new and creative ways of targeting young consumers. The sexually provocative images, sounds, and suggestions that are specifically designed to arouse interest in a product can be very confusing.

It should be no surprise, then, that advertising is especially influential for young women during adolescence. The advertiser sells the vison that sex equals the key to popularity, happiness, and dreams coming true. Also, at this age, many young women first begin to first experiment with and abuse substances. For some, using provides the opportunity to fit in and look cool while living out the fantasies in the ads/movies/TV shows. For others, it is the chance to finally feel comfortable in the skin of a changing body seen as ready for sex despite still being led by a mind ill-equipped for adult attention and sexual experiences.

The use of alcohol and drugs during this stage of life as a way to connect with others, become more comfortable with a changing body, and reduce sexual anxieties, creates a deep-rooted connection between sexuality and substances. In early recovery, the idea of a sexual self without drugs/alcohol is either unfathomable or so far in the distant past that the memory seems lost forever. For many women, sex is the last connection left to others; serving as a final vestige of intimacy stolen by the isolation of addiction. Entering treatment, one is confronted with a body that they have either never known or cannot recognize. Bodies that they struggle to find a way to connect with, appreciate and love.

Learning about one’s self in recovery includes learning how to embrace the sexual self and body that may have been avoided during adolescence. This includes learning to overcome feelings of shame related to past sexual choices, trauma work, body acceptance, and ideas about love. Not addressing the role that sex and sexuality have played in the various stages of addiction is to ignore one of the major relapse triggers for women: relationships.

In the midst of discussing feelings and patterns, and learning to take time to develop healthy, safe relationships, a woman in recovery needs to be reacquainted with her body, possibly for the first time since adolescence. She needs to understand that the feelings and sensations are not abnormal or dirty and that substances are not needed to embrace this aspect of self. A woman in recovery needs to recognize that sex is more than what was advertised, not for sale, and that they can be sole owners of their sexuality.

Addiction is an isolating disease, for both the addict and those who love him or her. The addicted individual becomes preoccupied with obtaining, storing, and hiding the supply of drugs and/or alcohol, so much so that relationships to themselves and others take a backseat. Similarly, family members detach from the outside world due to feelings of guilt, shame, fear, sadness, and disappointment. The destruction that addiction leaves behind is unlike any other illness.

Individuals who are in active addiction are unstable and unpredictable. They will lie, cheat, and steal in order to keep the disease alive. Oftentimes, family members live in a constant state of fear — the addict’s erratic behavior causes stress, anxiety, suspicion, paranoia and doubt. As boundaries become distorted, the entire family system deteriorates. Family members may enable, rescue, or attempt to control the addict — with good intentions — but the relationship is all but destroyed.

You, as a family member, are the problem solver and the fixer. You love taking care of the people you love. What you don’t realize, is that each decision you make, like doing something for someone else, might cross an invisible line, which takes you away from doing something for or taking care of yourself. It is not wrong to take care of others, as long as there is a balance with taking care of you. It’s like balancing a scale. If it’s weighted too heavily on one side then the scale is unbalanced. We are people, not scales, and our balance comes from setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in our relationships with others.

It’s time to find balance and set healthy boundaries to begin enjoying life again. Here are a few tips to help you get started.

• “’No’ is a complete sentence.” A co-dependent relationship, especially one that involves addiction, takes power away from the family member and passes it onto the addict and his or her disease. While the first step of codependency recovery is admitting powerlessness over the loved one’s addiction, the end result is to gain control of you. Remember, no one can make you do anything — your actions are a reflection of your choices. “No” is a complete sentence and will serve you well as you embark on your own journey of recovery.
• “If it’s good for you, it’s good for everyone.” Les Carter, Ph.D. is the author of a self-help workbook appropriately called When Pleasing You Is Killing Me. In this book, readers learn about the unhealthy patterns of people-pleasing and find the balance between serving others and proper self care. Similar to putting on your oxygen mask in an airplane before assisting others, making a decision that is good for you will positively impact those around you.
• “If you need an answer right now, the answer is no.” Addicts have a way of manipulating any situation. Oftentimes, this includes putting unnecessary stress and pressure on family members to make important decisions immediately. Most situations that require hefty decision-making take time and prayer. If the addict in your life demands an answer, simply tell him or her no. Remember, No is a complete sentence.
• “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” The highly esteemed Eleanor Roosevelt uttered this poignant statement, and it still rings true today. You are in charge of your actions, thoughts, and words. If you feel inadequate or less than, you gave someone permission to treat you as such. Be kind to yourself — you are enough.

Healthy Communication
Communication is everything in a relationship. Poor communication leads to frustration and resentment, while effective communication results in understanding and mutual respect. If you feel anxious, resentful, worn out, smothered, disregarded, disrespected or hurt, it’s safe to assume that your boundaries have been violated. Below is a constructive technique for expressing your feelings to the addict in your life:

1)   “When you [ actual behavior ], I feel [ emotion ] because _______________.”

2)   “I prefer/want/need [ specific action ] because ______________________.”

3)   “If you continue [ actual behavior ], I will [ specific action ].”

It’s important to note that once boundaries have been infringed upon, you must follow through with the appropriate consequences. Be patient — implementing effective communication techniques and setting healthy boundaries will not ensure overnight changes, but you will begin to experience improvements in your relationship with the addicted loved one over time. Most importantly, you will notice positive changes in yourself.

Families living with addiction are often families who keep secrets. The anxiety and stress of living with an addict are a daily part of their lives, so in order to cope, individual family members and the family system develop defense mechanisms that allow them to function and avoid exposure of the problem. Instead, this avoidance creates a pattern of secret-keeping that only compounds the stress.

The energy it takes to keep addiction a secret and the isolation it promotes affect the family in many ways. If the secret is being kept from the children, they may become confused and frustrated. They know something is wrong, but they don’t know what it is. Children can become resentful that the parents don’t trust them with the truth and may develop a lack of trust in themselves and others. Extended family may also be confused as to why the addicted loved one never attends family functions. The family may stop attending family functions altogether to avoid uncomfortable questions, isolating them from needed support. Most of all, secret-keeping perpetuates the denial in the individual and family system that something is terribly wrong and needs to be addressed.

There are three main reasons why family members keep their loved one’s addiction a secret. First, the secret-keeping may not be deliberate. For example, if a wife grew up in a family where the father’s addiction was a secret, then keeping her husband’s addiction a secret would feel normal to her. Thus, the pattern of secret-keeping is passed down through the generations. Second, there is a stigma in our culture about addiction. Many people still believe that it is a weakness, not a disease — if the person really wanted to stop, he or she could do so at once. Family members that don’t want to be stigmatized will keep the addiction a secret to protect their reputation.

The third and most common reason families keep addiction a secret is due to the fear of exposing their shame. They believe that if anyone found out, their world would fall apart and their lives would be forever changed. This fear is based on the belief that they are somehow defective or deficient as a family because this has happened to them. The individual or family develops a false self, or mask, to hide behind. Shame-based families live with the rule “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” as a way to negate the shame they feel (to themselves and others).

What can help a family living with the secret of addiction? Breaking the silence and sharing with others in a safe environment is the first step. MARR offers weekly family support groups that allow families to begin talking about their experiences of living with an addicted loved one. Families are relieved to find that they are not alone — that others also struggle with this problem — and that there is hope for themselves and their family.

A strong support system is an essential part of family recovery. Families must acquire healthy communication skills and learn how to ask for help. It often takes time for family members to “take off the mask” and focus on their own recovery. But, our families tell us it’s worth it. At last, they have found the freedom to live a life without secrets — to be themselves.

It’s certainly no newsflash that opioid dependence has become prevalent in America. But the fact that teenagers and young adults are more likely to abuse opioid painkillers than older adults might just blow your mind. Between 2002 and 2004, 1.1 percent of people aged 12-17 and 1.3 percent of people aged 18-25 were addicted to prescription drugs. That’s approximately twice the percentage of people between the ages of 26 and 49, and six times the percentage of adults 50 and older.*

And the numbers continue to rise.

From teenagers to mature adults, one thing is certain: people are getting hooked — even overdosing — on painkillers. Today, more people die from opioid overdose than cocaine or heroin. Opioids like Vicodin, OxyContin, Lortab and Percocet are effective for individuals who suffer from severe chronic or acute pain; however, more and more people are using these prescription drugs to alleviate stress and relieve emotional pain.

Abusers of opioids use them as a means to ‘numb out’ and deal with anger, depression, anxiety and insomnia. Pain relievers may provide an escape from reality for a while, but the addiction will backfire at some point. The individual develops a tolerance to the drug, whereby he or she must take more pills to get the same effect as before, and life eventually becomes unmanageable.

Opioid addiction causes long-term damage to the brain and often requires professional treatment for lasting recovery. The biggest challenge in treating those who are dependent on opioids is that long-term use can result in a ‘flat’ effect. In other words, the person becomes apathetic and unmotivated. He or she may no longer care about things, including recovery.

Learning healthy ways to cope and getting professional help are the best ways to overcome opioid dependence. There is hope for the addict, but the road to recovery takes work and a willingness to get better.

*Data based on the 2002, 2003 and 2004 National Surveys on Drug Use and Health (NSDUHs) on the nonmedical use of prescription-type psychotherapeutic drugs.