Boundaries in Recovery: A Two-Way Street

Setting boundaries in recovery is essential. We often hear about the family members’ need to set boundaries. We don’t as often hear about the importance of this for people in early recovery. 

It takes two people to make a codependent relationship. For this reason, boundaries are a two-way street. As part of our programming, we work with our clients on setting boundaries. 

Family members become consumed by the addict’s emotional ups and downs. The addict learns that the variations in their emotional, mental, and physical state have a powerful effect on their loved ones.

The addict begins managing or reacting to their loved one’s concerns about them. This often leads to them hiding their addiction from their loved ones. It also frequently leads to fighting.

Boundaries Help Shame and Skill Building

Conflict with family members about their addiction contributes to a sense of shame for the addict. Healthy remorse about these actions can certainly help bring change. But shame is crippling and undermines recovery. Addiction has a way of writing a shame-based story. It traps the person within it. There is a time for making amends in recovery. Attempting to do so too early often becomes self-serving. Reconciliation is something the addict needs to build toward. 

Codependent loved ones also become the “rescuer.” They pay debts. They bail the addict out. And they do whatever is needed to manage the consequences of the disease. The addict’s problem-solving skills and distress tolerance atrophy. They become overly dependent on their loved ones coming to the rescue. 

One of the first steps for clients is learning to reach out to others beyond their codependent loved ones for help. They learn that they have other means of support during distress than counting on their family members to rescue them.

Boundaries Give Time to Heal

Family dynamics during early recovery are almost always strained. Clients want to “make things right” before they themselves have begun to heal. 

By limiting contact with family members early on in treatment, we help our clients focus on their own recovery. This also allows family members the time to focus on their own emotional well-being.

The space created between the clients and their families during treatment often feels difficult for both parties. It can seem like they are not able to love or be available for their family members.  However, we see this as a necessary break from the chaos of addiction.  

This transition period gives both the clients and family members time to begin practicing healthy boundaries. Although difficult at times, this reorientation period can lay the foundation for healthier family dynamics in the years ahead.

Keeping the spirit of volunteerism alive at MARR

There is an article on Facebook that has recently gone viral: 37 Things You’ll Regret When You’re Old by Mike Spohr. In the twentieth spot: ‘Not Volunteering Enough.’ Spohr writes that “nearing the end of one’s life without having helped to make the world a better place is a great source of sadness for many.” In fact, many people believe the best way to serve God is by serving others.

In the Beginning
Since its humble beginnings 40 years ago, MARR has remained close to the core values on which the organization was founded. One of MARR’s six guiding principles, People Come First, promotes a healthy and strong recovery community from within, including clients, families, alumni, staff and volunteers. Every person plays an important role in bringing lasting recovery to drug- and alcohol-addicted individuals. It’s a team effort.

Volunteers Make a Difference
From the time MARR came into existence in 1975, to where it stands today, volunteers have always been a vital part of the program. “Early on, MARR recognized the benefit of having volunteers join our clients in group therapy,” says CEO Guerry Dyes. “It’s a way for community members to understand the disease of addiction and for clients to break out of isolation.” The Junior League of Atlanta (JLA), an organization of women committed to promoting volunteer work, helped launch the volunteer division of MARR’s treatment facility. These individuals devoted themselves to offering love, tolerance and acceptance to the clients of MARR. They helped bring chemically dependent men and women out of seclusion and into connection with others.

While MARR strives to stay ahead of the curve in the educational arena of addiction treatment, the organization also stays true to its traditions and the recovery methods that have been proven effective for many years. This not only includes the 12-Step Program, the importance of spirituality and the value of the therapeutic community, but also the volunteers who have been such an integral part of MARR since the beginning. “Our volunteers are more than just individuals who give their time to help those who are struggling with addiction,” says Dyes. “They have a true heart for people. They keep the spirit of MARR alive.”

If you would like more information about how to become a volunteer, as well as our next volunteer training, please visit our Volunteers at MARR page. We appreciate your willingness to serve our recovery community!

MARR was named ‘Top 10 Places to Volunteer in Atlanta’ by GreatNonProfits.org! Read more.

From Our Volunteers

Stacee F.
My name is Stacee and I have been a volunteer at MARR since May 2008. I participate in the Men’s Spiritual Group at Peachtree Presbyterian Church on Monday evenings; Family Support Group and Family Spiritual Group, both on Tuesday evenings; and Men’s Spiritual Group at Tucker First United Methodist Church on Wednesday nights.

My son, Skylar, came to MARR as a client in October 2007. Because the organization had done so much for him, my husband and I wanted to give back; volunteering seemed the perfect thing to do. Then, Skylar overdosed and died just two weeks before volunteer training was to begin. I wasn’t sure if I should continue pursuing the volunteer path, but something gave me the courage to go. I now know that ‘something’ was God and Skylar.

Spending time with the clients, especially in the beginning but even today, helps me find answers to my son’s struggles that I would not have found otherwise. I better understand the disease of addiction and, more importantly, the loving souls within each of these tortured men and women. I also experienced my own recovery, though not a drug or alcohol addict. I learned how to live life on life’s terms and come to a place of acceptance. Clients allow me to share such an intimate part of their struggles and nurture their recovery in a way that satisfies my maternal instincts.

Aside from being a loving mother and wife, volunteering is the most important thing I have ever done. I have gained so much from my time at MARR and the extraordinary people I’ve met (staff and clients), including peace and serenity no matter what life may bring.

Terry F.
My name is Terry and I have been a MARR volunteer for more than four years. I participate primarily in Wednesday groups and activities, when the clients of the Men’s Recovery Center visit Camp Donnie Brown. When time permits, I also join the Men’s Spiritual Group at Peachtree Presbyterian Church on Monday evenings; Family Support Group and Family Spiritual Group on Tuesday nights; Men’s Spiritual Group at Tucker First United Methodist Church on Wednesday evenings; and the Grief Group at the Men’s Recovery Center on Thursday nights. I am also present during Family Week at MARR, when my wife, Stacee, shares her own story of family recovery.

The most unexpected thing to emerge from volunteering at MARR was the awareness of my own brokenness and culpability. When I read the AA Promises for the first time, I realized just how flawed my own life had become. I wanted the Promises for myself. Through this process, I have received the gift of honesty. I never imagined I could regain some sense of honor in my life.

I would recommend volunteerism to any and all individuals who express an interest, be it through MARR or wherever. The experience of giving back the gift you received yourself is priceless.

Service Work in Recovery
Bill W. and Dr. Bob, founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), created the entire Program of AA around service work, in addition to the 12 Steps, meetings, sponsorship and a connection with a Higher Power. Page 102 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.” Thankfully, for those who suffer from the disease of addiction, there is a solution; recovering alcoholics/addicts are encouraged to give back that which has been so freely given to them by sharing their experience, strength and hope to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers. To AA’ers and other members of related fellowships, service work is more than just volunteerism—it’s their lifeline.MARR’s Volunteer Program is made up of people who are both in recovery and others who are not. The purpose of having volunteers is to help create a loving environment in which clients feel safe and accepted as they reconnect and recover from addiction. MARR believes lending a hand to another human being—and expecting nothing in return—is the true meaning of joy.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a serious problem that can put a major strain on an addicted person’s relationships. If you are a friend or family member of an addict, your relationship with him or she has likely experienced its fair share of ups and downs. But here’s the good news: Once the addicted loved one seeks help for his or her addiction and gets on the road to recovery, there is hope for the relationship.

To maintain a healthy relationship with the recovering addict in your life, check out these helpful tips to ensure you’re reinforcing his or her recovery.

Show Support. When an addict is in recovery—especially early on—your ongoing support is essential to his or her success. Attend 12-Step family recovery meetings in your community (i.e. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CoDA, etc.); ask him or her how you can help, and just listen when needed. Let the recovering addict know you support him or her in this endeavor, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Maintain Boundaries. While it is important for you to show support to an addicted friend or family member who is in recovery, you must also maintain healthy boundaries if you want your relationship with him or her to improve. Rule number 1: Your life should not revolve around the recovering addict. It is perfectly OK to be concerned about him or her, but always take time out for yourself. Otherwise, resentment may build up.

Communicate. As with any relationship, communication is vital to enjoying a healthy relationship with an addicted loved one who is in recovery. While life in recovery is the better way, it isn’t always easy. Sometimes an addict needs someone with whom they can talk openly and honestly. Be that person. (Of course, always encourage the individual to talk with his or her sponsor as well.)

Be Present. Emotional support is certainly a fundamental part of a healthy relationship, but physical support is just as important. Make the time to be available for the recovering addict in your life. Have a coffee date, go for a walk, or enjoy some quiet reading time in the same room. Togetherness is what matters most. Your presence is another way to let your loved one know you care about his or her recovery.

A recovering addict has a greater chance at recovery when his or her relationships encourage recovery and not hinder it. Get involved in this new way of life, and you’ll reap the benefits of recovery, too. Be a part of the solution!

Author Jason Harter, CAC is an addiction counselor who strives to maintain relationships between affected family members. He enjoys blogging and is a contributing writer for bestaddictionscounselingdegrees.com.