(*spoiler alert- there is no such thing)

No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. This point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines…We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
–Alcoholics Anonymous – “How It Works” -page 60

By Courtney Robbins, CACII
Primary Counselor, Women’s Recovery Center

When I started my career at MARR over a decade ago, I was fortunate to learn a teaching from a cherished, seasoned colleague. This singular concept has stood the test of time, and continues to be one of the most powerful moments of teaching that I have the privilege of passing on to the women in our program. This simple concept has been responsible for a lot of “aha” moments over the years and I have seen it be fundamental in helping folks persevere through the learning curve of decision-making as a person newly in recovery. Whether you are a person in recovery yourself — or the loved one of a person seeking recovery, my hope is this can provide some context for the tough moments that inevitably happen along the recovery journey.

Admission to treatment is often viewed as the end of the addiction and beginning of the recovery story. The thought is, “I have hit my bottom- I’ve finally made it to treatment, now things can only get better from here. If I just ‘do the next right thing’ everything will get better until I am ‘happy, joyous, and free.” Depicting this expectation visually would look something like this:

This expectation can be the cause of a fair amount of frustration for both the individual who is recovering and their loved ones because it never (yes, I said never) matches up with reality. Moreover, trying to make this expectation become the reality creates more suffering than is necessary. If you’ve ever tried to create a do-it-yourself project or a new recipe that you found on Pinterest- you understand this concept very well. As hard as you may try, and as perfect as you may want your project to be, somehow it never ends up like the beautiful, professionally photographed photo that you pinned to your board on Pinterest (see Pinterest Fail website for a good laugh).

Instead, below is a visual depiction of the reality of the Normal Cycle of Recovery:

Each forward line represents forward movement, growth, change, and progress in recovery. While each loop backwards represents a mistake or misstep or a moment when we were just not our best selves.  Both the forward movement and the temporary backward motion are inherent in the process and each is necessary for our growth. Just like so many other things in life- ebb and flow is to be expected.

When I draw this visual on the board in our group room, and write “Normal Cycle of Recovery” above it, I usually hear laughs of recognition and sighs of relief. This simple illustration reminds us that perfection is not expected nor is it achievable. It reminds us that mistakes and missteps never define the totality of our experience or our identity. Though these understandings never absolve us of the responsibility to course-correct and make amends, it gives us the context and the courage to not give up even in moments of difficulty. And, of course, persevering through difficult feelings and experiences is essential on the path to letting go of substance use.

Thankfully, the recovery process is vast enough to hold space for both the forward motion and the temporary setbacks that are all a part of the reality of “trudging the road to happy destiny.”

By Rick McKain, MAC, LPC

One of the men in the group a couple weeks ago asked what I considered an excellent question as we discussed the Unit on Cybersex that night. I made a comment about early exposure to pornography being traumatic.

His question was, “Why do you consider early exposure to pornography traumatic?” That is the question.

I have always considered early exposure to porn as traumatic pretty much since I’ve been doing the BBR group [and all the other group names from the past] 15 years. I probably need to define my terms and then explain why I believe what I believe. Before I do this, it should be noted that whole books have been written on what is actually considered porn and what isn’t. Also the same could be said about trauma – again the area of trauma is a whole specialty in the clinical psychology realm. So I will not take a huge amount of time to define these two things – “porn” and “trauma” as I will be brief.

When I think of “porn” which I’m using as short for pornography throughout this article, I’d like to acknowledge that it has changed over the years. When I saw what I considered porn in about 1965 – it may not be considered porn by today’s viewers. It was a centerfold of a “Playboy” magazine. It was the first time I’d ever seen anything like that. The closest thing to that in my experience was the Sears or J.C. Penney catalogue but they had clothes on. By todays standards [and I use the word standards loosely] that would have been considered “soft porn” at best.

So porn to me is anything visual that is sexual arousing to me. It can be something I see as spontaneous, or something I seek out and view that sexually excite me.  Some sort of visual image that increases my arousal and may be used to lust after and to take action toward. It is still in the category of porn for me if I view it only and don’t take any other action regarding it.[/vc_column_text][divider line_type=”No Line” custom_height=”20″][vc_column_text]What do I mean by trauma? The terms trauma and abuse are often used in conjunction with one another.  Abuse is something that happens to me – something I experience.  For instance, if a person beats me – that is abuse.  What I may experience as a result of that beating is trauma.  In the case of physical abuse the trauma is often experienced in a traumatic way, and most often has lingering effects.  If someone was beaten as a child, then later in life if someone hits them or is aggressive toward them, the damage done from the original beating will revisit the experience and they may be re-traumatized.   In popular Christian writing today, many authors use the term woundedness to describe the more clinical term abuse.  The trauma is the result of having experienced or endured the abuse or wounds from another.

So the term trauma the way I understand it – is the result of anything we experience, visually, experientially, or physically that has a potent and lasting effect on our perceptions and ability to function personally and in relationship.

I asked three different counselors at MARR if they considered early exposure to pornography traumatic.  Doug Brush, Paul Feuerzeig, and Dave Devitt all said yes they do. Doug said early exposure to porn begins a fantasy process among boys that isn’t real.  This process is carried into adulthood, as well as the process of objectifying women.  These early experiences continue the fantasy life of unreal images and  objectification that gets carried into relationships and negatively affects intimacy throughout their life.

Paul Feuerzeig said early exposure to porn first impacts and affects the arousal template – which is set from about age 6 – 10 years old.  It will impact what arouses an individual, and then it will take extreme stuff to arouse that impacted person.  Therefore the typical and healthy progression  is gone.  The effects on future relationships are ongoing.

Paul continued by saying this early exposure to porn often leads to an extreme sense of sexual insecurity, both in observing and comparing the physical of what is viewed on the monitor with the person’s own physical characteristics – leaving the person with a “less than” self-perception.  Additionally, there is an insecurity of performance anxiety – so the person is left with the feeling of “less than” regarding his personal self-expectation.  The young viewer of porn is left with the transition of wrongfully equating sex with intimacy.

Dave Devitt said pornography trauma is, “too soon too much too often.” Pornography seems to assail the God-given structure of the human arousal template. The pornography may compromise the arousal template. Continuing to view porn or frequent viewing of porn, especially in young viewers, exacerbates the sensitivity and the response demand of the neuronal network. The brain becomes blunted and almost oblivious to reality – and only responds to unreality. This demonstrates the progressive nature of the brain demanding more and more stimulation just to function normally.

All three of these counselors have answered this question from their perspective and their own personal work with many men over the years who have no doubt been traumatized by pornography.  I agree with their conclusions and appreciate their willingness to share their  views.  It is interesting to me that each counselor believes that early exposure to porn is traumatic.

Part of the problem that men have trying to understand that early exposure to porn is traumatic is because young boys and young teens don’t remember their first porn experience as a negative, bad, or “traumatic” experience.  Every man I’ve talked to who reflects on his first viewing of porn remembers it as a memorable or pleasurable experience.  For them trauma and pleasure aren’t synonymous.  For them pleasure = feel good, and trauma = feel bad.  And since they did not feel bad while viewing porn, they conclude how could that be a traumatic or bad experience?

Let’s say a 10 year old boy views porn on the Internet.  He may have a number of reactions to it.  But let’s say he is intrigued, fascinated, and aroused by it.  After the experience is over he may have many conclusions.  He may conclude that he wants to view more of that kind of stuff.  He may be confused.  He may think that he will return to view more at a later time.  In this example, none of his conclusions are negative or experienced as traumatic to him.  But the impact in his life, and the impact on his life, and the many unforeseen consequences are the traumatic part.  His perception of  how women behave, what they are on earth for, how he is to relate to them, what they are interested in, and what arouses him, have been drastically altered – after viewing the porn.  He cannot go back and un-see what he has seen.  Some damage has been done, and more viewing of porn is bound to do more damage and produce more trauma.  He is, in a sense traumatizing himself, although he thinks he is doing what feels good and maybe even getting by with something.  The consequences are there.  They are extensive and traumatic.[/vc_column_text][divider line_type=”No Line” custom_height=”20″][vc_column_text]I wish I could shield every young boy from porn.  I wish I could eradicate it from the earth.  In my opinion, it serves no good purpose, and I regret that I ever saw any.  I worry about my grandsons.  My oldest is 7 years old.  Some of you men saw your first porn when you were 6, 7, and 8 years old.  That breaks my heart for you to have been exposed to the damaging effects of pornography.

I hope this blog provides some answer to the astute question – Why is early exposure to porn traumatic?[

By Brittany Hopkins, LAPC

So, Valentine’s Day has come and gone. No more naked babies with bows and arrows, ribboned heart-shaped boxes containing every manner of chocolate, and long-stemmed red roses galore.

But what remains for the other 364 days of the year is the driving force behind this celebration: love. Seemingly so pure and simple, love in all its forms is a critical aspect of the human condition.

Love, namely self-love in the form of body acceptance, is addressed nearly every day at our women’s center.

Clients enter our 90-day program due to a substance addiction. Although these women do not have a diagnosable eating disorder, they often engage in disordered eating and have very negative body images. It is not unusual for a female client to exist in an adversarial relationship with her physical being. She perceives her body as separate from herself–as a despised enemy simply because it does not look the way she wants. Perhaps she was teased or bullied as a young girl for being awkward, overweight, or possessing any number of physical traits that were completely normal for her age and gender, but not acceptable in her peer group.  Now, grown up, she continues to war with her body by restricting, binging and purging or eating compulsively.

Increasingly, we are also seeing women who bought into the panacea of gastric bypass or lap band surgery, only to discover the many flaws inherent to these procedures. Because such radical physical intervention does not deal with the underlying issues behind the overeating, these women often turn to alcohol to cope. Not only is the dreaded weight frequently regained, but now alcoholism is a very real problem.

Through our disordered eating program, we do everything possible to help these women in two areas. The first involves establishing a healthy relationship with food. Often, if a woman has been active in her addiction for quite some time, she has lost touch with what normal eating looks like and what hunger and fullness cues feel like. Throughout treatment, the hope is to reconnect her to her body and embrace intuitive eating. Therefore, after completing a screening assessment, each client meets with a nutritionist to establish a basic meal plan.

Our second goal is to alter her perception and importantly, improve her body acceptance. Toward that end, our clients participate in a number of weekly groups including a process group and a meal group. The former is a way for her to explore underlying thoughts and feelings related to her disordered eating behaviors, while the latter deals with working towards having a healthy relationship with food.

The body acceptance group, attended by all residents, focuses on body image. Often clients engage in activities designed to unite the mind and body and thus negate the adversarial relationship. An assignment might encourage a woman to write a paragraph on her authentic beauty; the goal is to reframe old ways of thinking and shift the focus from what they hate about their bodies to what they actually might like.

A profoundly positive adjunct to this group is the weekly yoga class. Not only is the focus fully on the body, but through postures and poses, our clients grow to respect, value and appreciate their physical beings in a whole new fashion.  These are women who definitively recognize that through drugs, alcohol, overeating or undereating, they have damaged their bodies; and yet, their bodies continue to function magnificently.

Sustainable sobriety is certainly the most important goal for our clients. However, helping to achieve a level of body acceptance is also highly valued. This doesn’t happen overnight. Not unlike recovery, learning to accept what “is” takes making a series of positive choices over a period of time. It also necessitates focusing on the solution rather than the problem. Repeatedly saying “I hate my body,” is counterproductive. If a woman can focus on even one thing she likes about herself each day, she is on a positive path of acceptance and peace.

By Jim Seckman, MAC, CACII, CCS

The one thing we can never get enough of is love. And the one thing we never give enough is love. Henry Miller

Love is all you need. The Beatles

Ah, February, the month that we come up against Valentine’s Day. And whether you wholeheartedly plunge into the spirit of the day with cards, candies, and gifts for your loved one(s), or you believe that it’s a made-up holiday for the purpose of selling greeting cards, or the memorial celebration of the actual St. Valentine, it is a reminder of a very real facet of everyone’s life: love.

Love has been described as the most powerful force in the universe; the quality, the emotion, the feeling that will eventually overcome all else. This intense feeling of deep affection for our son, daughter, mother, father, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, or partner is the most written about, sung about, talked about, acted out, and misunderstood aspect of our humanity.

Love speaks to and from our heart.

But, when it comes to addiction, what’s love got to do with it? It seems like when our loved one begins to use drugs or alcohol, it gets all mixed up and confusing and agonizing. Suddenly, all the familiar feelings and behaviors get all twisted around into something unrecognizable. Our heart feels broken.

We want to still show that we love the person, but somehow, it’s all different.

When a person uses alcohol or drugs, it produces a change in the form and function of the brain that increases the level of a neurotransmitter called dopamine to such a level that the “top down” rational control of the prefrontal cortex is compromised, making it impossible for the person to make logical decisions or engage in relationships like they used to. And, because structures in the brain that have to do with memory are also affected, the drug gets linked to survival.

When that happens, they are willing to separate themselves from their loved ones and will do most anything to use again, because of the connection of the drug to survival gets locked into place.

Addiction radically affects every aspect of a person’s life: physical, mental, emotional, social, familial, spiritual. Everything is subordinated to the drug.

Even love.

The spiritual core of our disease is self-centeredness. In dealing with others, the only motive our addiction taught us was selfishness—we wanted what we wanted when we wanted it. Obsession with self was rooted in the very ground of our lives. (From Just for Today by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.)

But you still feel the same towards them. You love them and it’s confusing and painful to watch them and your family go through this.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Robert A. Heinlein

I know you want what’s best for them. You want them to be free of pain. You want them to feel the love that you’re expressing to them. But, sometimes when we think we’re acting out of love with an intention of helping them it becomes something else: something that, instead of helping our loved one, becomes supportive of their continued drug use. Something that enables them to keep on using.

It is difficult to separate the disease of addiction, with the attendant behaviors and attitudes, from the person you know and love. And they will express very convincing arguments as to why they should get what they want. Then you’re left feeling frustrated and confused with a sense that something is just not right. Somehow, they seemed to have used your wanting the best for them to the advantage of the disease.

Trust yourself. When you feel frustrated, confused and/or anxious about their behaviors, their attitudes, and their arguments, just know that it is probably the disease that is speaking and is not in the best interest of your loved one or your family. Holding onto your boundaries is not hurting your loved one, it is holding the line against the hurt of addiction.

It’s really not that you don’t love them or trust them; you don’t (and shouldn’t) love or trust their addiction.

In everyday life, willingness can be defined as a readiness, desire, inclination or preparedness.

However, in the field of behavioral health, willingness has a slightly different meaning. This is due, in large part, to how the term is utilized in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) literature, namely the 12 Steps.

Step Three in the 12 X 12 contains the verbiage:  “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”  Essentially, this statement has two components: first, the person must openly acknowledge that the life previously driven by his or her own desires and actions led to discomfort [consequences] and often a destructive addiction; and second, he/she must take the intentional action of surrendering his entire life to a higher power. This step naturally and inevitably leads to the action required to engage Step 4 – preparing a searching and fearless moral inventory.

This concept of willingness continues to show up throughout many aspects of 12 Step recovery, because the truth is, willingness isn’t just an idea. True willingness takes effort and action; it is a key aspect of ongoing recovery.  In the early days of recovery, having a small amount of willingness can make a huge difference in a person’s struggle on their path of recovery. The counter balance of this willingness is willfulness. Willfulness is really just our unbridled will. To have things, life, relationships, and fun just the way we want it.  You’ve no doubt heard the phrase, “I want what I want when I want it.” This is what we call self-will run riot, and the essence of addiction.

So willfulness and willingness are at opposite ends of the spectrum. But the steps that lead to those opposite ends are often taken in small incremental steps. In other words a small amount of willingness can go a long way towards healthier choices and a better life. This kind of willingness is where the person in recovery makes a choice to listen to someone else and demonstrates a willingness to consider doing something a different way than he/she would have chosen on his or her own.

For example, when someone comes into residential treatment at MARR, they are asked to follow some simple rules, that, no doubt, many believe are stupid and make no sense. They can’t for the life of them understand how not dipping or smoking in the apartment has anything to do with their ability to stay sober long term. We ask for their willingness to follow these simple [but hard to follow] rules.  We know as counselors that their willingness in this instance is not a guarantee of long term recovery, but this decision and subsequent action takes them a step closer to experiencing surrender and learning more about willingness.

Willfulness would say, those rules are stupid and won’t make any difference in my being able to stay sober; but Willingness would say, I think this rule is stupid, but it must be there for a reason, and my best thinking got me into the mess I’m in, I will follow this rule.

In our Men’s Recovery Center, our patients demonstrate both willingness and willfulness throughout treatment; they vacillate between our way and their way, between their way or God’s way. Perhaps one of the greatest moments that willingness comes into play is when they realize they might need to confront one of their peers in the therapeutic community.  One of the primary reasons why the therapeutic community works is it provides many opportunities for men to truly be themselves [warts & all]. While each man allows the real self to come out and interact with other community members, eventually conflict occurs. This is precisely when the man in treatment is forced to make a decision about their willingness to confront the issue with their peer or remain angry, resentful, and sullen. So at the prompting of a peer in his community or his counselor at MARR or his 12 Step sponsor, he may choose to be willing to confront his peer. All kinds of fears go through his mind – like I have to live with this guy, or I’ll just wait it out and see if he changes on his own. If he is willing to be direct and talk with his peer about his struggle, there is an opportunity for honesty, integrity, and growth. This willingness is monumental and demonstrates growth and doing things differently than he has ever done before.

Sometimes in the struggle to become willing to confront a peer, it seems to be too big of a step and a counselor may ask him, “Are you willing to be willing to consider confronting your peer?”   Sometimes men find it a bit easier to be willing to become willing. This isn’t just a play on words or double talk. It really is an invitation for the individual to consider if he is even willing to become willing to consider this. So it’s less of a long and scary step. He may say – Yes I’m willing to be willing to consider talking with my roommate about this issue. This is not a complete decision, but an early consideration and processing things in recovery is a necessity.  This underscores how critical willingness is for people in recovery.

The bottom line is the action associated with willingness is fundamental to successful recovery. First he must display willingness to surrender to another way of seeing and doing, remain open to others, and ultimately to surrender to God. Being open to others and demonstrating some humility to not necessarily choose his own way – is rarely easy, but critical to growth, change, and progress in recovery.

By Courtney Robbins, CAC-II

The hallmark of any good holiday movie or sitcom is the moment when things don’t go as planned. Who doesn’t love a good joke about “Mom’s dried out turkey” or the moment when Cousin Eddie pulls up to the Griswold house in his rusted-out RV?  The things that go wrong and the ensuing chaos and frustration is what really makes us laugh. Why is it so hilarious? Because we can relate!

We’ve all had a less-than-stellar potluck dish, and many of us probably have that one family member who is channeling the “Cousin Eddie” vibe. However, when we start to have these kinds of experiences directly in our own lives, it becomes a lot less funny and a lot more awkward and frustrating.

The holidays may often bring up difficult feelings, complicated situations, and maybe even some fear.

So as my holiday gift to you, here are five tips that can help us take good care of ourselves, our recovery, and our sanity through the holiday season:

1. Holidays are not always happy. First things first, let’s acknowledge that the media is hard-selling us the idea that the holidays are going to be nothing short of magical. But let’s be real: we’re in Atlanta and we’re not going to have a white Christmas. It’s probably going to be 85 degrees and raining, and that new sweater is going to be awfully hot and itchy. Let’s dig deeper and get really real: the holidays are often filled with tremendous grief, stress, pressure, and anxiety. When we look at our lives and they don’t match the story we are being sold, we may begin to believe the lie that there is something wrong with us. Hear me when I say this: there is nothing wrong with you or your experience. In one way or another, the holidays are hard for us all. Know that you are not alone.[su_spacer size=”20″]
2. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. So, not every holiday is happy, but it’s important to be hopeful that your newly-sober holiday may hold the potential for more joy, happiness, and meaning. But sometimes folks in early recovery confuse hope with a sure outcome. Hope that your brother won’t ask you to get high with him this time because he knows you just got out of treatment, but expect that he might, and prepare with your sponsor for how you are going to safeguard your recovery. If you are a family member of someone in recovery, hope that your loved one won’t violate your boundaries by asking you to slip them a little extra cash, but prepare for how you will say “no” in the event that it does happen. This is about taking responsibility for closing any potential back doors that addiction may try to slip through.[su_spacer size=”20″]
3. Watch What Happens. No, I don’t mean to watch a steady stream of Bravo shows. The Real Housewives are clearly ill-prepared to help you respond to difficult feelings in a healthy way! What I do mean is this: take a step back and try to be mindful about what is happening around you. Watch it unfold as if you were a third-party observer. Try not to assign judgment to yourself or others. See what you notice, write down interesting observations, call your sponsor or a trusted person in your network and discuss what you have observed. It’s okay to take a step back from your feelings when things become overwhelming. It’s okay to just try to observe facts. This can actually help us make better decisions about what to do with the feelings we are having, rather than impulsively reacting out of them.[su_spacer size=”20″]
4. Assume Positive Intent. This one is challenging, but it can really help to diffuse difficult feelings about our loved ones. Grandma may tell you how much she missed you at the family reunion, but she heard that you went to this place called “MARS” and that you’re doing much better now. She is going to ask you a million times what “MARS” is, and you will correct her a million and one times and tell her, “It’s actually MARR, Grandma!” You will feel the shame and annoyance start to build. This is where you get to practice assuming positive intent. Assume that Grandma loves you so much and that she is just trying to understand. Assume that she has been worried sick about you and is searching for some way to show her support. Suddenly, you don’t care so much that she perhaps thinks you were on another planet instead of in treatment, you are just grateful that you can give her the gift of easing her mind by showing up sober this holiday.[su_spacer size=”20″]
5. Laugh at yourself. Sometimes, if all else fails we just have to laugh. Sometimes our personal holidays are just as much a comedic disaster as those we see in the movies. Taking a deep breath, taking ourselves way less seriously, and marveling at the absurdity and hilarity of it all can sometimes be just what we need to make it through. Reach out to your network, tell them how bad the turkey was, and tell them that your Grandma apparently believes you have been orbiting in outer space. Chances are, the folks in your network are having some rough patches in their holidays too, and maybe they could use a good laugh.

It is important to note that I would never suggest that these tips are the tips to get you through the holidays. If you are working a recovery program, you know yourself and you know your unique stressors and triggers. So by all means, implement the strategies that work reliably for you. More than anything, my hope is that everyone will remember to intentionally plan for how they can take good care of themselves this holiday season.