Addiction is a family disease, and one of the most important steps to take in recovery is setting boundaries.

Addiction is a disease of isolation.  It relentlessly crosses boundaries, threatens relationships, and causes chaos. But you do not have to sit idly by and watch destruction happen; there are healthy steps that you can take in your own recovery. Just as an alcoholic or addict must learn to set boundaries, so do the people who love them.

We tend to hope that over time, change will naturally happen for the better, but the truth is that most change requires work. There is a common saying within the counseling profession: “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” If we do not put in work and take action toward the things that we want, we will, for the most part, stay stuck in unhealthy cycles and toxic patterns.

Addiction almost always coexists with codependent relationships. Codependency develops out of a deep desire to care for someone else, and in doing so we end up trying to fix their problems and manage external circumstances. Codependency becomes an unhealthy way to deal with our negative feelings by pouring ourselves into making sure that our love one is “okay.” Creating boundaries helps us find healthy coping skills and teaches us how to care for ourselves.

Why family members need boundaries

If you are a family member who feels ready to sacrifice everything in an attempt to save your addicted loved one, you are not alone. The power of love and compassion that lives inside of you is real and it is important, but you must first take care of yourself by establishing and enforcing boundaries.

Boundaries help us define who we are, what we value, and what kind of future we are working towards. They regulate our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. They help us express what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, and they help us define what we need within our relationships.

Think about the instructions that you are given about oxygen masks on airplanes. If cabin pressure changes, masks will drop down from the compartments above; make sure to secure your own mask before helping others. You have to take care of yourself in order to effectively help the people you love. Living in a constant state of self-sacrifice will lead us to continue repeating unhealthy cycles of behavior.

If you’re a family member of a person with an addiction, you don’t have to wait for your loved one to hit rock bottom or go to treatment before you set boundaries. Although it may seem counterintuitive, creating boundaries may be the best thing you can do for your loved one. It may frustrate them or cause them to be angry at you for a time, but a lack of boundaries is what enables an addict or alcoholic to continue down the same path.

Why the addict needs boundaries

It takes two people to make a codependent relationship. For this reason, boundaries are a two-way street.  Just as the family member becomes consumed by the addict’s emotional ups and downs, the addict also learns to hyper-focus on their loved one’s emotional state, even if their actions may seem to indicate otherwise.

The addict can become so wrapped up in hiding their addiction from their loved ones or reacting to them, that they lose sight of what is going on for them in this moment and finding a healthy way forward.

Once the substance is removed, these difficult feelings about their relationships with loved ones often intensify and the need for boundaries becomes even more apparent.

People struggling with substance abuse often find themselves overwhelmed with shame. Yes, their actions in addiction have negatively affected their loved ones. Healthy remorse about these actions can certainly help bring change, but shame is crippling and undermines recovery.  Addiction has a way of writing a shame-based story and trapping the person within it.

Boundaries It often leads to hyper-focusing on what the person believes others perceptions of them to be, rather on what the person in recovery actually needs. Boundaries serve as a healthy tool for redirecting the person’s attention to what they can control.

Boundaries are building blocks

This is not a quick fix. You cannot set a boundary today and expect your loved one to stop drinking or using tomorrow. Boundaries are a foundation for a healthy relationship, and they take time and practice. Each time we honor our boundaries, we are laying a brick in this foundation, and over time it becomes more sturdy and substantial.

It is important to know that boundaries are not about changing someone else’s behavior – that is impossible. Rather, they are about creating healthier versions of ourselves, because healthy relationships are the best thing we can offer to our addicted loved ones.

Communicate your boundaries effectively by stating your feelings, needs, and actions.

• “When you [behavior], I feel [emotion].
• “I prefer/want/need [specific action].
• “If you continue [specific behavior], I will [specific action.]

Maintaining fierce boundaries does not mean you stop loving someone or that you are not compassionate. It is actually an act of love.

You may need to set boundaries if:

• You are doing things for your alcoholic/addict that they are able to do for themselves.
• You are doing things for your alcoholic/addict that they did not ask you to do.
• You think that you may be in a codependent relationship

So, what boundaries should we set? There is no formula for boundaries; they are different for each person and each relationship. Although this may seem frustrating, it may also be hopeful. There is no other relationship in the world that is exactly like yours, and boundaries are something to be explored and discovered. They may take some experimenting, some trial & error, and some patience.

But you are not alone. Find the kind of support that you need while you are making these changes. Look into local family support groups, and know that addiction does not have to be a point of shame. Find a counselor or therapist that you trust. Take time and space to do something that brings you peace and joy.

Additional resources on boundaries:

• Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents – Allison Bottke
• Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own – Karen Casey
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life – Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• Boundaries in Marriage – Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• https://al-anon.org/
• https://www.nar-anon.org/

By Matt Shedd

Addiction is a disease characterized by a constant state of violence, both within and around the person suffering from it.

As anyone close to someone with an addiction can attest, dysfunction seems to radiate out from the person. They cause upheaval wherever they go, and in the later stages of the disease, any number of consequences can surround them. Violent arguments, arrests, assaults, domestic abuse (both physical and verbal), can become common occurrences.  It’s a process that the Big Book of AA describes as eventually causing “annihilation of all the things worthwhile in life.”

The Root of Discontent

It is easy to see this violence in its later stages. Dramatic consequences disrupt the lives of everyone around the person in addiction. But all along the way, beneath the external manifestations, there is an internal unrest at work.  Even before the first drink or drug is taken into a person’s system, the Big Book describes the root of alcoholism as the constant, unrelenting feeling of being “restless, irritable, and discontented” until they are able to drink again.

This discontent is at the very root of all the subsequent violence that accompanies addiction. It is this discontent that sets in motion the urge to adjust, coerce, or force people and circumstances to be different in order to feel ok. As one adds on a steady diet of substances that manipulate their emotions, the disease only increases its irrational and violent demands on the person and everyone else.

But even if the person in active addiction manages to cease using all substances, and he or she is physically detoxed from the dependency, that state of discontent is still present.

The question then becomes: how can he or she respond to the deeply felt conviction that one’s current circumstances and emotions are intolerable? How does one confront this internal struggle with their life circumstances and learn to accept the unacceptable? This is the question that must be addressed. If not, the gnawing discontent ratchets up and eventually becomes so intolerable that even the most resolved and strong-willed individuals will return to using their drug of choice.  

Treating a Spiritual Disease

For this reason, alcoholism and addiction at its fundamental level is a “spiritual malady” preceding even the substance use. I use the term spiritual here in the broader sense, as an understanding of one’s self in the world and how one fits into the larger story of life. This may or may not include traditional religious belief and practice, but as implemented in a 12 Step setting, it does require concrete actions to reorient oneself to life.

As someone participates in the process of the 12 Steps, they are gradually disarmed of their judgments, hostilities, and expectations they had unknowingly picked up over the years. These beliefs have placed them in opposition to life. It is precisely these preconceptions about how their life or the world “should” look that cause the discontent that eventually leads to substance use and the havoc that follows. We accumulate these expectations often without even realizing it, and so the 12 Step process involves laying these weapons down continually to face life as it is, rather than the way we wish that it was.

A Nonviolent Approach

By the time we have reached Step 10, the Big Book tells us we “have ceased fighting anything or anyone–even alcohol.”

The actions taken in the Steps resolve the internal conflicts of discontent which used to plague the person. They address the fundamental dissatisfaction with life that drives the person to their addiction and the violence that always comes with it.

The Big Book goes on to say in the section on Step 11 that we can carry this nonviolent approach to life with us throughout the day. When faced with uncertainty, we resist the urge to pick up our weapons of coercion to force things to go our way. Rather: “we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.” Having surrendered our weapons, our help with our problems seems to come from a place outside of us. We no longer need to force solutions to our problems.

Through the process of surrender offered in the 12 steps, we are given the grace to accept things as they are without responding by coercion or violence–even if they are unjust or we do not like them. Circumstances outside of ourselves no longer have the power to compel us to react. We find a new form of power, one that is different from coercive power that attempts to manipulate people and circumstances. It is a power that allows us “to match calamity with serenity” on the personal level.

The Steps enable us to encounter resistance without reacting with our typical, violent responses. We lay down our weapons and defense mechanisms to meet life as it is and strive toward a new life.

On April 3, 1968, the night before he was assassinated, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. stated society’s two alternatives to a crowd gathered at Mason Temple in Memphis, Tennessee:  “It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence in this world; it’s nonviolence or nonexistence.”

Those in active addiction may find themselves facing the same choice.

Gratitude | The Opposite of Addiction

When potential clients seek treatment at MARR, our assessment counselors end the intake interview with two questions: 1). What things are going well for you? and 2). What goals do you have for treatment?

Coming up with goals is easy. In active addiction, people lose a great deal and can see plenty of things they are hoping to change about their lives. But finding things that are going well can feel impossible.  Even for clients that still have family members in their corner, money in the bank, and a job to return to, it’s very difficult for them to see any of that. Addiction has strangled their ability to see that anything is going well. Their gratitude muscles have atrophied.

Addiction puts us into a state of “never enough,” not just with alcohol and drugs, but in all areas of our lives. It forces us into seeing the world through a lens of scarcity and competition. No matter how abundant our lives may actually be, all we can see are the things that we lack. From this perspective, we have to remain ever-vigilant and on-guard to make sure that we get our hands on what we need.  

But when we actively participate in recovery, our perspective shifts. We cannot help but be grateful. As opposed to scarcity, we see the world through the lens of “more than enough.” What our clients often learn is that the shift to gratitude that accompanies recovery has less to do with achieving goals than undergoing a change in perspective. In active recovery, challenges and setbacks can also become opportunities to deepen the connection with one’s community and higher power.

Chores that used to simply be irritating in active addiction, like doing the dishes or taking out the trash, can infuse dignity and self-respect into one’s daily routine. 

Practicing gratitude doesn’t mean that we have to ignore the hard parts of our lives, or that we are living in denial that life presents challenges. But working from the mindset of gratitude and abundance, we can broaden our consciousness to include an awareness of the good while also confronting crises and loss.  As Marcus Aurelius said, “Our life is what our thoughts make it.”  There are so many parts of life that we can’t control, but we can control our focus. With a practice of gratitude we can focus our minds on the good – community, kindness, recovery – and begin to realize how much we already have, rather than hyperfocusing on our difficulties.  

Gratitude During the Holidays

The holidays create an excellent pause in our lives for all of  us to begin or deepen our gratitude practice. As many of us sit around dinner tables surrounded by people we love, we will be reminded of everything we have. Also, the break in our busy schedules and ever-growing to-do lists is significant. It not only creates perspective and leads us to appreciate the good in life, but can give us the emotional space we need to begin cultivating this essential skill.

But what starts at the holiday dinner table can expand to all areas of our lives. In its definition of gratitude, Harvard Medical School writes “gratitude…helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals – whether to other people, nature, or a higher power.” Simply put, when we practice gratitude, we are getting to know our higher power, ourselves, and each other. This true connection is what allows us to fight the isolation of addiction.

Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude. ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

In addition to the spiritual benefits, there are very real physical health benefits as well. Being grateful has a powerful snowball effect on your entire body, and it all starts in your brain. The act of noticing what’s going well triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, improving heart rate variability, and physically lowers our heart rate and blood pressure. In fact, a study at UCSD suggests that patients at risk for heart failure show significant improvements after keeping a gratitude journal for just 8 weeks.

Developing a Practice

Developing a gratitude practice is a little like working out for the first time or learning to play an instrument. It may feel particularly strained at first as you are trying to get into the routine. But it might be the simplest way to change your entire outlook on life, whether you are in substance abuse recovery or not. 

A common practice in twelve-step fellowships is to make a daily gratitude list. Writing just five things each morning that bring joy or meaning into your life can be a manageable way to do this. Limiting this list to five items keeps the task from becoming another overwhelming daily chore. The more specific, the better. Try to avoid overgeneralized, prepackaged answers like “My wife, my kids, my house…” but give yourself the opportunity to really notice something new and take delight in it. Rather than simply putting “my wife” on the list, a more helpful entry might be: “I’m grateful that my wife made the effort to spend time with me last night after dinner, even though she had a big presentation she was preparing for at work the next day.” The specificity works out the gratitude muscle all the more.  Also, finding new things each day, no matter how small, or how much we usually take them for granted, makes it easier to enter into a grateful state of mind.

Like all aspects of spiritual growth, gratitude benefits us, but also spreads compassion to all those we come into contact with. The people around us will feel the difference. As Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, writes, “When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.”

Sources:

“The Science of Gratitude” on WNYC  https://www.wnyc.org/story/science-gratitude/

“In Praise of Gratitude” from Harvard Medical School – https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in-praise-of-gratitude

By Matt Shedd

In the classic study of mythology and world religion, “The Hero with a Thousand Faces,” Joseph Campbell famously outlined the hero’s journey. Surveying myths, stories, various faiths, fairy tales and folklore, Campbell proposes that every character’s journey, and our own spiritual journeys, follow the same general pattern.  

At the beginning the story, the hero isn’t a hero yet. Luke Skywalker wanders the sand dunes of his aunt and uncle’s farm in Tatooine; Frodo and friends are living easy in the Shire; Harry Potter is locked under the stairs.

Then, something bursts into the characters’ lives to call them out of their ordinary, everyday existence into a journey that changes everything.

Initially, the hero usually refuses the call. The path into the unknown that lies ahead is too frightening and uncertain. Harry doesn’t believe he’s got the stuff to be a real wizard. Luke doesn’t think he could possibly be the hope that Princess Leia is looking for.  

We understand their reluctance. Their journeys are going to involve leaving home, stretching boundaries, trusting unknown helpers, and mastering new tools for the difficulties ahead. The going gets rough and there are always moments when our heroes wished they had never left the safety of the familiar.

A similar thing happens to people suffering from an addiction. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, compulsive or codependent behavior, life has become predictable and tiresome for the person with the addiction. In fact, the routine becomes destructive to themselves and those around them.  But it is familiar, and therefore, less threatening than doing something different.

Then, a call to adventure bursts in. A life-changing opportunity presents itself, although it never feels that way at the time. For the person entering recovery, this call usually comes in the form of a major consequence, such as an arrest, car accident, loss of a job or an ultimatum from a loved one. These situations are distressing, fraught with uncertainty, and overwhelming.

This call is often initially refused as well. The refusal usually sounds like some variation of one of the following: I don’t need help with this; I just need to cutback; You’re overreacting; I’m just going through a tough time; I can quit on my own; I just need time to get this under control. All off these are ways  of saying, Please don’t make me leave the the routine that I know, even if it’s killing me.

Like the heroes in the stories, our clients typically think that the journey is impossible. Total and lasting recovery from a life-threatening chemical dependency just seems too good to be true. They have reached for that freedom too many times and failed.

Fortunately, the call to adventure comes with the promise of help from something bigger than ourselves.

The journey we invite clients and their families to take is more heroic and challenging then saving Middle Earth or subverting the galactic empire. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about recovery as a “complete psychic change” where “old ideas are set aside” in favor of a new way of living.  Working the 12 steps takes a person from the extreme nearsightedness of constantly fighting for survival to being a useful, valued, and compassionate member of their family, community, and friend groups. They are given a life “free[d] from the bondage of self.”

Recovery means moving from being a spectator into an active participant. Recovery has the ability to turn us into people who ask: What can I contribute?, rather than What can I take?  

If that’s not a heroic journey, I’m not sure what is. It’s heroic because it’s a journey that not only saves the life of the participant but contributes and helps to save the lives of those around her as well.

For a summary of the change that occurs on the journey, you can’t beat this description from The Big Book:

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends – this is an experience you must not miss.”

That’s why MARR is here. In fact, that’s why we’re all here: to help facilitate that transformation for one another.