By Matt Shedd

In the classic study of mythology and world religion, “The Hero with a Thousand Faces,” Joseph Campbell famously outlined the hero’s journey. Surveying myths, stories, various faiths, fairy tales and folklore, Campbell proposes that every character’s journey, and our own spiritual journeys, follow the same general pattern.  

At the beginning the story, the hero isn’t a hero yet. Luke Skywalker wanders the sand dunes of his aunt and uncle’s farm in Tatooine; Frodo and friends are living easy in the Shire; Harry Potter is locked under the stairs.

Then, something bursts into the characters’ lives to call them out of their ordinary, everyday existence into a journey that changes everything.

Initially, the hero usually refuses the call. The path into the unknown that lies ahead is too frightening and uncertain. Harry doesn’t believe he’s got the stuff to be a real wizard. Luke doesn’t think he could possibly be the hope that Princess Leia is looking for.  

We understand their reluctance. Their journeys are going to involve leaving home, stretching boundaries, trusting unknown helpers, and mastering new tools for the difficulties ahead. The going gets rough and there are always moments when our heroes wished they had never left the safety of the familiar.

A similar thing happens to people suffering from an addiction. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, compulsive or codependent behavior, life has become predictable and tiresome for the person with the addiction. In fact, the routine becomes destructive to themselves and those around them.  But it is familiar, and therefore, less threatening than doing something different.

Then, a call to adventure bursts in. A life-changing opportunity presents itself, although it never feels that way at the time. For the person entering recovery, this call usually comes in the form of a major consequence, such as an arrest, car accident, loss of a job or an ultimatum from a loved one. These situations are distressing, fraught with uncertainty, and overwhelming.

This call is often initially refused as well. The refusal usually sounds like some variation of one of the following: I don’t need help with this; I just need to cutback; You’re overreacting; I’m just going through a tough time; I can quit on my own; I just need time to get this under control. All off these are ways  of saying, Please don’t make me leave the the routine that I know, even if it’s killing me.

Like the heroes in the stories, our clients typically think that the journey is impossible. Total and lasting recovery from a life-threatening chemical dependency just seems too good to be true. They have reached for that freedom too many times and failed.

Fortunately, the call to adventure comes with the promise of help from something bigger than ourselves.

The journey we invite clients and their families to take is more heroic and challenging then saving Middle Earth or subverting the galactic empire. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about recovery as a “complete psychic change” where “old ideas are set aside” in favor of a new way of living.  Working the 12 steps takes a person from the extreme nearsightedness of constantly fighting for survival to being a useful, valued, and compassionate member of their family, community, and friend groups. They are given a life “free[d] from the bondage of self.”

Recovery means moving from being a spectator into an active participant. Recovery has the ability to turn us into people who ask: What can I contribute?, rather than What can I take?  

If that’s not a heroic journey, I’m not sure what is. It’s heroic because it’s a journey that not only saves the life of the participant but contributes and helps to save the lives of those around her as well.

For a summary of the change that occurs on the journey, you can’t beat this description from The Big Book:

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends – this is an experience you must not miss.”

That’s why MARR is here. In fact, that’s why we’re all here: to help facilitate that transformation for one another.

How Letting Go Opens the Door to Genuine Connection

Raise the white flag, throw your hands up, or fall to your knees. These small actions can have significant meaning. Sometimes surrender seems like defeat. It may seem like weakness to give up what we are doing and turn to someone else for direction, but when it comes to addiction, surrender is the only way. Our old way of doing things has failed us. Trying for change by our own power has not been strong enough to change our actions and their consequences.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” – 3rd Step of the 12 Steps

Step Two is about believing that a better future is possible, but Step Three is about making a decision. But making a decision is not the same as putting that decision into action. There is a story told in AA about three frogs that were sitting on a log at the edge of a lake. Two of the frogs made the decision to hop into the water. So, how many frogs were left sitting on the log?

The answer is three. Making a decision to hop into the water does not mean that they actually hopped into the water. In the same way, making a decision to turn our will and our lives over is not the same as the action of surrender. The action comes when we work steps 4-12. So for some, the process of Step Three may be quite short, especially because we have already admitted that we are powerless AND come to believe that a power greater than ourselves does exist. For others, Step Three may be very difficult because of one word: God.

If “God” feels complicated

‘GOD’ is a heavy word. It means something different to everyone. For some, it brings a sense of comfort, security, or grounding. For others, it brings pain, confusion, and even trauma. Every single human has a unique concept of God that has been shaped by what they were taught, things they have learned, and experiences that they’ve had. Some people talk about God and assume that everyone agrees with their concept of who or what God is. It is important to understand that, as long as there is a foundation of respect, other people can have diverse understandings of God without posing a threat to what you believe. This is especially true when we are talking about the Twelve Steps.

For some who do not consider themselves religious, G.O.D. is used as an acronym for Group Of Drunks. The recovery community itself can function as a Higher Power. For others, Step Three can be closely connected to their religious practices. The important thing is that we are surrendering our will and our lives to something that is stronger than we are alone.

The 12 Steps are not Christian. A.A. and N.A. are not religious organizations.

For people who have a robust and working understanding of how they relate to God, the phrase “as we understood Him” may seem insulting. Those people may feel that their understanding is under attack or threatened by another person’s understanding.  That is certainly not the intention. Rather, the phrase gives us full freedom to explore, to wonder, and to find what works for us individually.

The phrase “as we understood Him” also helps to protect people who are working on developing their own connection with a Higher Power. Too often, a specific interpretation of God can serve as a convenient way for those in power to control those entrusted to their care. In such cases, although the authority figure  may say “God wants you to do this and that”, if that person was honest, he or she would probably say “I want you to do this or that.” The small but crucial phrase “as we understood Him” helps preserve the autonomy of people in the recovery community. By giving the responsibility to each person to define God, it provides an opportunity for each person to take responsibility for their actions as well.

Spirituality is connection

At MARR, we define spirituality as the ability to connect to self, others, and the God of our understanding. We are not here to shape your idea of God or to define the way you practice spirituality.  We are here to help you discover what spirituality means to you. What is going to be stronger than drugs or alcohol in your life? How can we develop practices that contribute towards greater love and understanding for ourselves and others that will help us maintain lasting recovery? Addiction is a disease of isolation and disconnection. Even though we may care about our loved ones, or our career, or our physical well-being, addiction will win if we are operating by our own power. Addiction tells us that drugs or alcohol are the only way to be okay.

True connection is more powerful than isolation. Finding belonging in community can pull us out of the dark depths of self-centeredness and hatred. When we turn our eyes and our attention away from ourselves, we begin to discover that power. The loyalty and trust of a sponsor can show us our own worthiness. Being a part of your home group or your religious community can bring joy and purpose. Serving others as a part of your own healing can give new life.

“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”

– Dr. Brené Brown

Your personal practice of spirituality is not going to work for everyone. The acceptance of this diversity is a part of what makes the recovery community so powerful and beautiful.

The opposite of active addiction is active recovery. The disease of addiction will not be reversed with an easy fix. That’s why there are meetings full of folks who have 30 and 40 years of sobriety, because recovery is a lifelong journey. In active recovery, we keep showing up. We keep surrendering the same things over and over again. We turn it over because we now know that we can’t handle it on our own. And through this journey, surrender becomes an action, not just an option.

In his book Breathing Underwater, Richard Rohr writes that “all mature spirituality, in one sense or another, is about letting go and unlearning.” We are often told to let go of things like bitterness, or situations that we can’t control. But sometimes change requires letting go of things that are deeply rooted in the way we live our lives.

The journey of recovery is about unlearning the lies that we have believed to be true. It is about letting go of toxic patterns that have brought us to a point where we are sure that there is no way out.

Thousands of small actions and fleeting moments combine to create the way we experience the world. Our habits have formed the fabric of our lives. Things we learn inform our conceptions of truth.

In active addiction, the disease has led us to a point of danger and hopelessness. The habits and patterns that are deeply ingrained in our lives are drowning us. We have probably tried and failed to change on our own, so we must turn our eyes to something outside of ourselves.

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. – Step 2 of the 12 Steps

Step Two can seem a bit daunting. The idea that we need our sanity restored, not to mention that we need a Power outside of ourselves to do it, seems overwhelming and almost too mystical. But it is important to start by saying that the journey of the 12 steps is not a claim to have all the answers – or any answers, really. It is actually about starting to ask the right questions.

• Do I accept that I am really powerless over alcohol or drugs?
• Have I been unable to break the vicious cycle of addiction by my own power?
• Do I believe, or can I even begin to believe, that better is possible?
• Can I believe that the ability to change must come from a Power greater than me?

A Power greater than ourselves

There is a common misconception that the 12 steps are overtly religious. They are much better described as spiritual. This Power does not have to be synonymous with the Judeo-Christian God, or any form of organized religion for that matter. The power of community can be greater than ourselves. The cosmic and evolutionary power of the universe can be greater than ourselves.

The point is, every effort to solve the problem of addiction by our own power has failed, so now we must turn to something bigger, something stronger, something greater. The individualistic world around us rejects that we need anyone or anything other than ourselves, just as it rejects the idea that we are powerless. That is why this is a process of surrender.

This step does not tell you who or what you have to believe. You get to discover a Power greater than yourself, and you get to explore what that looks like in your life. 

Therefore, Step Two is a rallying point for all of us. Whether agnostic, atheist, or former believer, we can stand together on this step. True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith. – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Fostering hope

Step One outlined the unrelenting grip that addiction has on one’s life, as well as the reality of powerlessness. It is about acceptance. Step two is about starting to develop and claim hope.

Hope is not meant to be a vague or distant concept for which we just cross our fingers, bow our heads, or wish upon a star. Hope is real and grounded. You can find it within the circles of the recovery community. You can find it in meetings, when folks in all stages of recovery come together to create spaces of radical acceptance, because they believe that better is possible. You can hear it in the stories of those who were once swallowed by darkness and now live in light.

Claiming hope does not mean that we have no doubt or uncertainty. In fact, if we are honest, we will find that hope and doubt often coexist, and the tension between the two is actually a good and beautiful thing. We do not have to have certainty, we just have to be willing to show up. There is power in showing up with open hands-willing to be wrong, willing to accept help, and willing to believe that better is possible.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.” – Step One of the 12 Steps

The concept of powerlessness can be hard to grasp. Powerlessness is often mistaken for weakness, but this is actually a step of strength. In a highly individualistic culture, we often believe that we should be able to take control of our lives, fix our problems, and overcome our struggles alone, but admitting powerlessness involves leaning into others, trusting a community, and surrendering the things we can’t control.

Waking up to what is

When we admit that we are powerless over alcohol or drugs, we admit that we are living with a disease that alters the chemical makeup of the brain. It is not because of weakness or lack of willpower. Someone suffering from this disease did not make a choice to go too far and lose control, and they are not inherently lacking in values or good character.

Admitting powerlessness means admitting that no amount of trying or practicing or self-control is going to change the way that drugs or alcohol affect your brain, thus this is the first step in a lifelong journey of recovery. When you are 2 or 10 or 20 years sober, you are still going to be powerless over alcohol.

Step One is about accepting what is and what is not. It is a gateway to freedom and a proclamation of progress. As we go through the process of Step One, we are moving from a lack of awareness into an awareness of the reality of this disease and the possibility of change. We are beginning to believe that we are capable of living in a different way.

Most addicts and alcoholics do not walk into their first day of treatment believing that they are truly powerless and that their lives are unmanageable. Sometimes they deny that they even have a problem, to begin with. “It’s only a few drinks. I could stop if I wanted to.” Others may minimize or justify their addiction. “It could be worse. You don’t understand. If you had my life, you would use too.”

This is a journey in itself. We have to wrestle with the idea of powerlessness, which includes acknowledging the many reasons why this is hard to admit, doing the work to see how powerlessness seeps into every crevice and corner, taking the time to figure out what this really means for the future, and continually returning to this step throughout our recovery journey.

Listen to “Moments of Surrender”, a podcast episode featuring a MARR alumni:

“Oddly, counterintuitively, in our culture of individualism and self-centered valor, it is by surrendering that we can begin to succeed. It is by ‘admitting that we have no power’ that we can begin the process of accessing all the power we will ever need.” – Russell Brand

The paradox of powerlessness

Powerless does not mean helpless. The First Step does not say that you are powerless over your actions, your decisions, or your relationships; it says that you are powerless over alcohol/drugs. That is a massively important distinction. This is not an excuse for continuing down the same destructive path. It is not about laying down and giving up. It is about complete and wholehearted surrender.

Powerlessness defines the problem: if you put drugs/alcohol in your body, you are powerless over them. The second part of the step, “our lives had become unmanageable,” describes the effect that the problem has had on your life. This can look like affecting family, work, finances, or health. We realize that we are unable to manage the many details of our lives, and we become more accepting of the world around us.

As a part of treatment at MARR, our clients complete a First Step Inventory, which includes examples of powerlessness and unmanageability from various areas of life. This assignment starts to create awareness of how this disease damages one’s life. When you lay it all out, you will see that you did not have control in those moments.

We integrate the community into this exercise as well. Clients get feedback from their community members, which allows them to be both challenged and supported.

“The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”

– Nathaniel Branden

The Serenity Prayer is a central mantra of many recovery communities. It demonstrates the paradox of powerlessness and the role of surrender.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The list of things I cannot change is long: other people’s actions, other people’s emotions, the reality of the disease of addiction, the past, and the list goes on. The list of things I can change is pretty short: my attitudes, my actions. Meditate on these words today. Regardless of what your journey looks like, serenity creates positive change. This is what powerlessness is really about, accepting what is and believing in what could be.

By Jim Seckman, MAC, CACII, CCS

Spirituality is an aspect of our humanity that is innate. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are spiritual creatures. In the book Addiction and Grace,author Gerald G. May, MD discusses spirituality in terms of a “longing” that we have as humans. A longing for something more, something deeper, something greater than who we are. So spirituality could be viewed as the process of growth into a deeper connection with God, others, ourselves and the world around us. While the “longing” may not be comfortable at times, it is healthy and dynamic.

Addiction tries to make a spiritual experience static. When we are in an addictive process, we want to hold on to the moment, not feeling the discomfort of the longing but attempting to maintain what we feel in an instant. Our spirituality becomes stagnate and the addiction leads us into a deep bondage with a substance or process.

While we know that addiction is a disease that is primary, chronic, progressive and fatal, with a describable and predictable course and common symptoms, addiction affects all aspects of the person. When we think about the disease of addiction from the perspective of our spirituality, we can see that addiction is a disease that is born out of the human condition. There is deep hopelessness, meaninglessness and longing that the addict is trying to suppress with some substance or process, rather than finding healing through the grace of God. The addict is seeking a greater depth of peace and fulfillment but only finds greater emptiness and pain. The separation from God and from healthy spirituality is intensified by an increasing pattern of actions that could be considered evil or sinful.

While ancient writers didn’t understand addiction in the same way we do, they certainly understood the nature of addiction. The Biblical writers saw the patterns of addiction and discussed it more as bondage, temptation and sin. Indeed, addiction is a disease that will drive/lead us into wrongful acts. However, if we look at sin from a perspective of separation from God and God’s grace, then we come closer to understanding the spiritual dilemma of addiction. In the book of Genesis, we see that humans are caught up in an addictive process from the beginning. The “original” temptation in the Garden of Eden posed as the following:

• Good for food – it addressed a need
• Pleasing to the eye – it was attractive in some way
• Bestowed wisdom – a promise of something beyond ourselves, something we think would make us complete

Addiction sets up a trap for us: while appearing to address a deep need, we are drawn to its attractiveness and the promise of feeling complete in some way — an alternate “god” is introduced to rob us of true spirituality. We become spiritually malnourished, believing we have found peace, abundance and fulfillment in the very thing that will rob us of it. In addiction, we mistake:

• Numbness for Peace
• Indulgence for Abundance
• Gratification for Fulfillment
• Intensity for Intimacy
• Control for Safety
• Perfection for Competency

But, fortunately, that is not the whole story. While we humans are experts at finding ways to place ourselves into spiritual bondage, it is this very spiritual “woundedness” that becomes the path to our healing and recovery. While addiction is slavery to a cruel god, it can also be the pathway to a deeper spirituality than is experienced without it. What religion labels “sin,” what therapy calls “sickness,” are precisely what bring us closer to God. Addiction reveals this bondage and brokenness so starkly to the addict. When we are wounded, we understand our weakness, our need for a “savior” (those who are well don’t need a doctor, right?), and become willing to let God in. It is through our wounds that we can allow God and others to enter our lives and help make us whole.

In 12-Step programs, addiction treatment and recovery, the person confronts his or her own brokenness and bondage, shares in others’ brokenness and comes to accept it both in others and themselves. This honesty, once reached, forms the basis for the development of a healthy spirituality. As the person works through the 12 Steps, he or she discovers the process of growth in understanding God, others, themselves and the world around them.

One of the most beautiful aspects of the 12 Steps is that they very carefully walk us through exactly what we need and when we need it, and support a long-lasting recovery and a healthy and dynamic spiritual life. Finally, when we reach Step 12, we find that the “spiritual awakening” that is promised is supported by actively working with others. It is in the action of reaching out to each other and helping others that the spirituality of recovery is truly found. Dr. Bob S., one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), who attended the Oxford Group to quit drinking (and couldn’t), stated, “The spiritual approach was as useless as any other if you soaked it up like a sponge and kept it to yourself.”

In essence, spirituality is not something we can capture. According to AA co-founder Bill W., “We have to live it.”

References
Addiction and Grace (Gerald G. May, MD)
The Spirituality of Imperfection (Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham)

Parenthood can often prove to be a barrier to getting necessary treatment for addiction. Many mothers in particular believe that it is out of the question for them to leave their families for months at a time in order to enter recovery. They feel an immovable responsibility to stay home and take care of their children, but at what cost?

MARR alumna Sharon M. learned at a young age to keep her feelings bottled up inside. Sexual trauma in her childhood began to create pain and wounds that only got deeper over many years, and she had no outlet for healing.

She got married, had two children, and became an extremely involved typical “soccer mom,” always there for her kids and doing everything she could to help her family thrive. In 2009, due to a medical complication, Sharon wasn’t allowed to drive for six months. All of a sudden, this supermom was spending most of her time alone at home, and wine became a crutch for a lack of purpose.

Then, in 2011, Sharon lost her sister, her grandmother, and her best friend all within a matter of months. As emotions continued to bottle up, she reached a tipping point, and she continued turning to alcohol to numb the pain and push the feelings deeper and deeper away.

When Sharon got a DUI, she was convinced that she could quit drinking. But as her buried emotions continued rising to the surface, the drinking quickly resumed. While her husband was on business trips, Sharon would binge drink and stay in bed for days at a time. As she became increasingly apathetic, her 17-year old daughter, Meghan, began to care for her younger brother, Mitchell.

Finally, her family arranged an intervention. Her daughter threatened to cut her out of her life. Her son told her how scared he was. Her husband threatened to file for divorce. Sharon was convinced that her family could not function without her, and she felt like treatment meant abandoning her family.

Eventually, she reluctantly agreed to come to MARR for the 90-day program. Although she completed the program, she refused to dig into the secrets and the wounds that had caused so much pain throughout her life. She graduated and returned home, and her husband thought that she had been “fixed.” But her refusal to face her true emotions was a hindrance to healing, and she soon relapsed and began another two-year struggle.

After a lot of hopelessness and hurt, Sharon felt an internal push and a will to enter treatment again with a new mindset. She got really honest, and, with the help of her counselors, finally confronted all of the painful emotions that had been buried for so long. But it came at a cost. She would miss half her son’s senior year, and she would be away from her family during the holidays. It was a sacrifice to be absent during such an important time, but ultimately, recovery has allowed her to be ever more present as a wife and mother.

This time, her family made efforts to support her treatment by going to family support groups and getting educated about the disease of addiction, and that changed everything. Addiction is a family disease, and the best way to approach it is together.

Countless women are faced with the same question as Sharon: What about my children? How can I go away to treatment and leave my family for 90 days? Will they survive without me? Will they be able to forgive me?

Sharon made the decision to face these fears and enter treatment at MARR a second time. Her family kept functioning, her husband found his own way of managing the household, and her relationship with her children is now better than ever because she was willing to do this for herself. What once felt selfish turned out to be the least selfish thing that Sharon could do for her family.

The distance that existed during active addiction was replaced with a healthier, more authentic family connection. This year, her children looked on with pride as she celebrated one year of sobriety, and she is now living a free and joyful life in recovery.

Beginning the process of recovery and being away from your children is not an easy choice to make, but it is a brave one. It may seem counterintuitive to motherly instincts, and it may produce a lot of fear. But the only way to become a truly healthy and thriving mother is to get the help and healing that you need and face addiction head on.