Matt Erwin, CACII

As mechanics, doctors, artists, or any other skilled craftsperson will probably tell you, when a problem presents itself, gritting one’s teeth and forcing a result does not usually resolve it. In fact, coercive actions that force a premature and unworkable solution usually create bigger problems. 

This principle might relate to how we address addiction or whatever compulsive and self-destructive habit we might be struggling with. A lot of times when people talk about the opioid crisis or addiction in general, they will say things like we need to “fight addiction.” Individuals in recovery and their family members will often adopt a similar approach toward addiction, looking at it as if it needs to be “beaten.” 

“In the course of 45 years of treatment, we have seen over and over again that recovery is not usually about defeating addiction, but the opposite.”

Perhaps this use of “fighting” is just a manner of speaking, suggesting that the addiction needs to be addressed and not ignored, which is absolutely true.  However, I think the rhetoric of “fighting” or “battling addiction” can be easily misinterpreted. In practice, this type of approach toward addiction or compulsive behavior can start to resemble forcing a solution through sheer willpower. As the addict and alcoholic in long-term recovery usually discover, this approach often ends in frustration and relapse.

Although the urgency and good intentions behind the idea of “fighting addiction” are valid, our understanding at MARR is that an aggressive approach can sometimes be counterproductive to recovery. In the course of 45 years of treatment, we have seen over and over again that recovery is not usually about defeating addiction, but the opposite.

The way that we approach recovery is to help our clients try to surrender to their powerlessness over their addictions and embrace the difficult and painful parts of that powerlessness.  Recovery isn’t about fighting. To quote a phrase Robert Downey, Jr. used when describing his own recovery, it’s about learning to “hug the cactus.”

The same is true for family members of our clients. We work with them to help them see that they are ultimately just as powerless over the addiction as their loved one is. As with our clients, recovery for them is about getting intimate with painful parts of how they have tried to control the addiction and failed. This allows them to be in their own recovery, even in the heartbreaking event that their loved one returns to drinking or using. 

Denial of Powerlessness

Accepting powerlessness is not something that comes easily to humans. The AA literature states it clearly, “Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions). So to help our clients in this process, we work with them on a First Step Exercise through which they develop vivid examples from their past of precisely how they have been powerless over drugs and alcohol.

“Powerlessness provides an explanation, but not an excuse. It allows the addict and the family member to see why the person did things that weren’t logical, but it doesn’t mean that they are ‘off the hook.'”

The goal of the exercise is to help them see all the times that they have tried to control their drinking or drug use and have failed. In recovery, failure can be a very good thing. It provides evidence that they are not a “bad” person who just needs to try harder. It helps them to see that they are not immoral people who need to try harder, but that they have an illness. Rather than having anything to do with morality, they can start to see that their excessive drinking and drug use is intimately tied in with an abnormal physical reaction to alcohol and drugs that is different than other people who can drink or use drugs moderately.

Powerlessness provides an explanation, but not an excuse. It allows the addict and the family member to see why the person did things that weren’t logical, but it doesn’t mean that they are “off the hook.” It does not relieve the person from responsibilities and consequences. The person in recovery still has to accept responsibility for things that they did in their active addiction.   In other words, powerlessness does not by any means absolve the person, but it does help them to understand they are not a bad person. But they are a person that does have some behavior they need to accept responsibility for any consequences that need to be cleaned up. 

Hugging the Cactus

A person can make statements like  “I’m an alcoholic and addict” or  “My drinking and drug use is out of control” without understanding the extent of their powerlessness. They may even be able to provide specific examples of powerlessness while still remaining in deep denial about just how desperate their situation is.

One of the goals in the First Step Exercise is to help our clients generate sharp and vivid examples from their own drinking and using histories that they can see clearly. Uncovering these stories is a process. 

I’ll give an example that I was given permission to share by a MARR alumnus that we’ll call Chuck. When Chuck checked into MARR as a client, he knew he was an alcoholic and addict. He really believed he had fully accepted that, to the point that he had even told many of his family members that he was going to die soon because of drinking and drug use. 

On the surface, this makes it sound like he had truly accepted his powerlessness, but there was actually a lot more acceptance that he later realized he still needed to do.

“It hurts at first, but as our clients and their family members encounter the more vivid descriptions of powerlessness, it can save them the endless pain that continuing in addiction and codependency can and will provide.”

For instance, he told me that the first try at one of his first step examples went something like:  

I couldn’t make it a day without drinking, and on my way home from work, I had to stop and get some beer. I needed to drink so bad that I couldn’t even wait till I got home to drink it.

He told me that he can see now that, even as difficult as this was to admit at the time, his mind had glossed over a lot of the very important details of this event in an attempt to protect himself from painful realities. 

To sharpen that story, he needed to remember the vivid details so he could have a more accurate picture of what really happened. With the help of the counselors, he did.

The story became clearer, and now he states that he is able to play it in his head like a movie that clearly demonstrates his powerlessness over alcohol. By the time he was finished with the exercise that same story went like this:

I made up my mind that I wasn’t gonna drink one day, but I was shaking so badly that I pulled over at a liquor store. The store was set up so that you had to go to the counter and tell them what you wanted and they got it for you. So I told the guy, “I’d like a six-pack of Bud Light.” I left my money on the counter when he went to get it so he wouldn’t see how much I was shaking. 

When he reached out to give me the change, he saw my hand was shaking so bad that he looked at me with this mixture of disgust and pity. I saw his reaction, so I lied and told him that I had just almost been in an accident, and I was really nervous and that’s why my hand was shaking. As soon as I got outside, I had to drink one to quit shaking. 

The beer was in bottles, and I put one up to my mouth, and my hand was shaking so bad that I hit my mouth and cut my lip. I realized I couldn’t hold it steady to my mouth, so I had to tilt my head back and separate the bottle from my lip and pour it down my throat until I quit shaking so badly and I could drink normally. When I got back in the car, I just barely made eye contact with myself in the rearview mirror and thought “Oh my God. What’s happening?” 

This is a much more vivid picture of what actually happened, and one that, thanks to that exercise, he tells me he uses regularly to remind him of how powerless over alcohol he is. The denial he had during his initial attempt did not allow him to see all those details about the incident. 

Family members of addicts and alcoholics often go through similar exercises. They review all the ineffective ways they attempted to control their loved one’s drinking or drug use, and how ultimately, such efforts usually ended up making matters worse. Uncovering details of their own memories of powerlessness can have a similar healing effect for them as well. 

We describe the process as “sharpening” the details because we think it works to illustrate that coming to terms with our history is painful. It hurts at first, but as our clients and their family members encounter the more vivid descriptions of powerlessness, it can save them the endless pain that continuing in addiction and codependency can and will provide. This process of accepting the uncomfortable parts of our histories is what we view as part and parcel of “hugging the cactus .”

Getting intimate with the sharp details of our memories can save us a lot of pain. It may even save our lives. 

By Matt Shedd
The Host of Stories of Recovery Podcast

“I truly believe that the Twelve Step program (also known as Alcoholics Anonymous or A.A.) will go down in history as America’s greatest and most unique contribution to the history of spirituality.”
-Richard Rohr

A Common Solution

Many of the family members and community volunteers associated with our program are introduced to the Twelve Steps for the first time by witnessing our clients work through them. These onlookers are frequently surprised by the undeniable power of the Steps. Sometimes they even decide that they could benefit from engaging with them as well. 

“Whether substance abuse is a problem or not, many people who sincerely engage with the simple process laid out in the Twelve Steps seem to be able to begin addressing issues that have been troubling them for years.”

As one of our community volunteers and participants in our family program stated: “We are all in recovery from something.” 

Similarly, we consistently hear from surprised clients in early recovery that they never expected the Steps to have such far-reaching implications for their lives beyond their drinking and drug use.  

As a treatment center founded in 1975, we have seen these stories play out time and again in various ways. Regardless of personal background, or whether substance abuse is a problem or not, many people who sincerely engage with the simple process laid out in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) seem to be able to begin addressing issues that have been troubling them for years. 

How can such a simple system, developed by a group of newly sober alcoholics in the 1930s, provide such wide-ranging benefits to such a diverse group of people? 

Brief History of the Twelve Steps

The Twelve Steps have a humble origin story. They were not published by a group of religious leaders, psychologists, or social scientists, but a man named Bill Wilson, who had worked in finance, and his group of alcoholic friends in 1939. Their new-found solution emerged from Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith’s participation in the Oxford Group, a spiritual community attempting to implement first-century Christianity.

The Twelve Step literature is not written in the grand tones of religious scripture or with the clinical precision of a medical textbook. Rather, the material is in the form of plainspoken, pragmatic instructions laying out “a few simple rules” or  “suggestions.” 

“It was not long after the Big Book’s publication in 1939 that people without substance abuse issues began using the Steps to help develop their spiritual and emotional lives as well.”

In laying out this approach, the Big Book makes a great effort to avoid absolute statements. It makes no claims of exclusivity on spirituality, stating “[u]pon therapy for the alcoholic himself, we surely have no monopoly” as well as denying any “monopoly on God.” The writers make their case for its effectiveness in their own lives, without attempting to coerce or force the reader into taking the same course of action. Their approach is direct in its description of alcoholism, but also gentle in its invitation to others. 

It was not long after the book’s publication in 1939 that people without substance abuse issues began using the Steps to help develop their spiritual and emotional lives as well.  By 1952, just 13 short years after the Big Book was published, there were already 87 groups of family members of alcoholics meeting together for mutual support to practice the principles of AA in their own lives. The Twelve Steps were also being used early on to address addictions other than alcoholism, with Narcotics Anonymous officially being formed in 1953. 

In the years since Twelve Step fellowships have proliferated the world over in the form of many different “Anonymous” groups. Today there are Twelve Step fellowships addressing nearly any conceivable issue relating to chemical addiction, behavioral addiction, and the general struggles of being human. Whether it’s codependency, overeating, sex addiction, online gaming, difficult emotions, or racism, the Twelve Steps have been applied to countless psychological or spiritual difficulties that we humans encounter.

An Accessible Approach

The Twelve Steps provide this guidance while also using language that many find accessible regardless of their background. They are able to do this because they restate general spiritual principles in a neutral language not specific to a particular faith or tradition. The openness of the language also allows them to be applied in virtually any context. Practitioners have found they are able to use the Steps in conjunction with a wide range of spiritual traditions or no spiritual tradition at all. 

Spiritual writers and leaders, who may not be in recovery from chemical addictions themselves, have recently been finding in the Twelve Steps another non-dogmatic way to restate what their traditions have been teaching followers for hundreds or even thousands of years. 

“Throughout the Big Book, practicality takes precedence over particular spiritual beliefs.”

A recent prominent example is Richard Rohr’s book on the Twelve Steps, called Breathing Underwater. In giving context to his comparative reading of the Steps alongside Biblical passages, Rohr writes: “The Twelve Step Program parallels, mirrors, and makes practical the same message that Jesus gave us, but without as much danger of spiritualizing the message and pushing its effects into a future and metaphysical world.” 

Practitioners of other faiths have found that this compatibility extends to their traditions as well. Buddhist practitioner Kevin Griffin describes the Twelve Steps enriching his Buddhist practice, stating “[t]he Buddha said that the cause of suffering is desire, and the Twelve Steps try to heal people from desire gone mad: addiction.” People have noted similar points of connection in other faith traditions, such as Islam, Hinduism, and Taoism, with the website Sacred Connections (http://www.12wisdomsteps.com) providing specific examples of these and other faith’s commonality with the Twelve Steps. 

Similarly, agnostics and atheists have also found resonance with the Twelve Steps. AA historian, Catholic priest, and much-beloved friend of AA, Ernest Kurtz endorsed and wrote a foreword for Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life by Joe C. This text stands as just one example of recent attempts to try to make the Twelve Steps even more accessible to people who don’t identify with any other spiritual traditions.

Throughout the Big Book, practicality takes precedence over particular spiritual beliefs. 

It’s difficult, and probably unnecessary, to understand precisely why and how the Steps work. They continue to be widely applied by people struggling with alcoholism and the wider world for a simple reason: people see the Steps working in the lives of others, and as a result, ask somebody to take them through the steps as well. 

As the Big Book states, almost as if the writers themselves are somewhat shocked by the effectiveness of their simple program: “It works—it really does.”

Our brains love stories. We use them to make sense of the world, to make connections, and to find patterns. We use stories to make predictions, and we use them to pass on lessons and wisdom.

Stories are such an important part of being human. One of the most powerful things an individual can do is to share their story with others. 

That is why the Life Story Exercise is one of the essential parts of our Phase I of treatment. It is a chance for the clients to actually put to paper what they have been telling themselves about who they are.  Their addictions have most likely trapped them into carrying around harmful and unproductive stories about themselves. Oftentimes, people in addiction do this without even realizing it. The First Step Exercise also helps our clients come to terms with the things they have done in their addiction, while also accepting that those actions do not have to define them going forward. 

When we share our own stories, we are practicing vulnerability and building connections with the people around us. We are also allowing room for a different perspective to come in. Stories remind us that we are not alone. They help us understand how we got here and imagine where we might go. They form pathways in our brains that help us make decisions and assess what is happening around us.

When Lies Become Truth

When we tell a story over and over again, we begin to believe that it contains truth. Imagine that you are telling a funny story about something that happened a few years ago. You may begin to forget the details of what really happened, and so the way that you tell the story starts to form your memory of the event. The details may shift and change over time, and eventually, you may be telling parts of the story incorrectly, but your brain will actually believe that it’s the truth.

But what happens when we start telling hurtful and damaging stories about ourselves? We begin to believe those, too. When we hear and say the same negative things again and again over time, we start to perceive them as truth even if they are lies. This can start with other people saying negative things about us, but the real danger comes when we begin saying these things to ourselves.

Addiction writes a lot of tragic stories. The negative consequences of our actions begin to pile up and start telling stories about who we think we are: a terrible mother, a disappointing daughter, a horrible son, a bad employee.

When we tell discouraging stories about ourselves over and over again, our negative actions can begin to define our identity, and we miss the good parts of ourselves. These are shame stories. They continue a painful cycle of believing that we are “bad.” And these stories give our addictions more power.

For our clients, sharing the negative stories they’ve been carrying around in the Life Story Exercise can have such a transformative effect. Sharing the shame-ridden stories with people who can identify allows them to open up and have a different experience regarding their past. It doesn’t completely take away the pain of the difficulties of the events of the past, but it allows them to have a different relationship with it.

Velcro & Teflon

We are designed to remember negative things in the world around us. It’s a survival skill. If you use a stove every day for a year and you burn yourself one day, you are going to remember that one bad experience much more easily than the 364 good ones. 

Dr. Rick Hanson explains it like this: 

In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. That shades “implicit memory” – your underlying expectations, beliefs, action strategies, and mood – in an increasingly negative direction.

The bad things stick even if we don’t want them to, and good things slide right off like nonstick cookware! We have to work a LOT harder to remember positive things than we do to remember negative ones. This is a big part of what makes a practice of gratitude so important and impactful.

Writing Better Stories

So, what can we do to change these stories? It seems like an uphill battle, but you are far more powerful than in the past. Writing better stories does not mean that we ignore our mistakes or pretend that we are perfect. We accept responsibility for our choices, we own up to our shortcomings, but then we turn our eyes forward – not back.

Here are three practices for creating better stories for ourselves:

1. When we recognize a lie, we name it as such. Often this requires the help of somebody else. 
2. We accept encouragement from others when they offer it.
3. We set healthy boundaries with people who have hurt us.

There are no quick fixes here. These are practices that we must repeat for months & years to come. This is not something that we can usually do on our own. We often need the help of a strong community with similar values to help each other make these changes. There are a lot of things in life that we are powerless over, but with the help of others, we have an incredible amount of power to choose the kind of story that we are going to tell.

There is a saying in the recovery community that rings true here: “I am not what I have done; I am what I have overcome.”

Keep overcoming. And tell a better story.

Interview with Dr. Mark Ackerman
Psychologist and Addiction Specialist

At MARR, we do not specifically address nicotine dependence as part of our program of treatment, and clients are permitted to smoke cigarettes, though they are not permitted to use e-cigarettes (also referred to as vaping). To get a clinical perspective on the issues of smoking and vaping as they relate to long-term health and recovery, MARR spoke with a psychologist from the community, Dr. Mark Ackerman, who has expertise in treating addictions, including recreational drugs, alcohol, compulsive behavior, and nicotine dependence.

We have all seen commercials that try to scare people into quitting smoking, or maybe we have even tried to scare somebody we love into quitting ourselves. Is trying to scare people into quitting effective?

Research on what works for overcoming addiction, in particular, smoking and nicotine addiction/tobacco use, indicates that scare tactics are not effective for bringing about change. I have learned through my work with individuals that this is correct. Individuals who are nicotine dependent often become resistant when they feel like they’re being pushed too hard.  Addiction counselors are most effective when they strive to meet the individual where they’re at and provide information if they’re asking for it. There’s a technique called “motivational interviewing” that can be very effective in assisting people who are ambivalent or resistant to giving up an unhealthful habit.

There are 3 key components for success with nicotine addiction and addiction in general:  

1. Motivation: You have to want to change. When you have that element of motivation and commitment to change, then you can go to the next level.
2. Technique: Behavior change strategies, attitude changes, and environmental modifications play a significant role in overcoming nicotine dependence.
3. Medication: The medication component can help people feel less uncomfortable while they’re going through the process of giving up tobacco-related products. There are several FDA-approved medication choices that are available which have been very helpful. Speaking with a health care provider is recommended.

How do you address nicotine addiction when you are working with patients who are also trying to stop using alcohol and other drugs of abuse?

We know that people often have the thought that tobacco is less harmful than other drugs, but in fact, tobacco contains nicotine which is a highly addictive drug of abuse. Studies on addictive behavior show tobacco at the top of the list of what leads to chronic disease including lung and cardiovascular disease. There seems to be a myth that says “If you smoke, but you don’t do anything else…well, it’s not a great thing. But you know, if that’s the thing that keeps you away from using other drugs of abuse, well, we’ll kind of accept that.” We’re learning now that’s not the case, and that it is probably best to give up all products that are addictive. If someone continues to smoke, even though they may overcome other addictions, it can lead back to prior addictive behaviors by keeping the pleasure center in the brain responds to certain chemicals.

Do you typically introduce the idea of quitting smoking to somebody who is in early recovery?

I usually want to hear what they have to say and what their motivations are. If someone is motivated to overcome an addiction other than smoking, I might say to them, “Well, we’re going to work on that, and how do you feel about giving up tobacco?  I might suggest that they consider quitting nicotine products, and I let them know that there is help for that as well. Ultimately, being fully successful at overcoming addictive behavior usually means giving up smoking and vaping.

Vaping has been in the news though most people might not know much about it. Could you give us a brief overview of what vaping is and some of the risks associated with it?

The use of e-cigarettes, also called vaping, produces an aerosol by heating a liquid that contains flavorings, chemicals, and quite frequently nicotine and sometimes THC. The user inhales that aerosolized vapor into their lungs. The idea behind e-cigarettes, which became available about 14 years ago, was to help people quit smoking. One of the problems that subsequently developed is that younger people, who often were not smokers beforehand, began vaping and using e-cigarettes because they thought it was “cool”. Vaping was marketed as being a cool sort of a thing to do that was safe. Because it has different kinds of flavorings like mint and strawberry, it became very appealing to young people. Vaping and e-cigarette use has been shown to be potentially helpful for adults who are trying to transition away from more traditional tobacco products like smoking and chewing tobacco. The problem is that it’s turned into a harmful habit for some young people who were not smokers and may lead them down the path into becoming smokers.

Also, there are many different forms of electronic cigarettes with different components to them that are unknown and potentially unhealthy. Most electronic devices are produced overseas thus there is no control over what contaminants may be used in their production.

A couple of months ago there was an outbreak of pneumonia and acute respiratory distress among some people who were using electronic vaping devices. This was well-publicized and is cautionary. Not only is there a risk of breathing in aerosolized chemicals that contain nicotine, but by breathing in chemicals that are harmful, there is also a risk of developing a lung infection.

How would you summarize the public misconception about vaping?

Using electronic cigarettes with the goal of quitting tobacco products and overcoming dependence on nicotine and staying with that goal can be helpful for some people. However, the caution is that the use of e-cigarettes and vaping are not approved successful treatments for overcoming nicotine dependence or quitting smoking and also incur health and addiction risk. My recommendation would be to use a combination of FDA-approved medications such as Chantix or nicotine replacement (e.g nicotine patch or nicotine gum) combined with behavior change counseling.

What would you suggest for parents who just found out their 16-year-old son or daughter is vaping? What approach would you pass on to them?

I would recommend sitting down with the young adult or teen to find out what’s going on rather than blaming or making accusations or threatening them about consequences. I might want to ask: “How did you get started with this? And why do you think you are using e-cigarettes?” 

And then if there’s a good opportunity, providing helpful information. I would advise being careful about overly aggressive approaches such as scare tactics which we discussed earlier, that are not usually effective as they tend to get tuned out by teens.

If you have one thing to pass on to people who are reading this, what would it be?

There is an enormous amount of evidence showing that tobacco use in any form is highly addictive and extremely harmful to the human body. Second-hand smoke is harmful to those who live with or share space with smokers. Pet health is negatively impacted by the chemicals found in tobacco smoke. Life is short and the human body is very delicate. I would advise the avoidance of all tobacco and nicotine products. If you use, get help to assist you with quitting. Find alternative ways to manage the stress in your life and find other forms of pleasure that would lead to the same sense of relief and enjoyment that nicotine products provide. The majority of people in the U.S., 85%, do not smoke. It is therefore easy to find a friend or neighbor or co-worker who does not smoke and spend time with them. Avoid places where people smoke, as visual and olfactory cues, can be a trigger to use, just like in other addictions.  If you are having difficulty quitting, establish some new relationships with non-smokers, and consider obtaining some professional counseling. Join a support group. Millions of Americans have quit smoking over the past several decades and you can, too. It requires motivation and willingness to make the change.

By Rick McKain, MAC, LPC

As the leader of our Building Better Relationships group at our MARR’s Men’s Program, I have worked with our male clients for over 20 years on intimacy issues. 

Regardless of which issue precedes the other, substance abuse and difficulty in intimate relationships frequently go hand in hand. 

“To treat issues around intimacy and sexuality we need to go beyond the surface behavior to address the underlying emotional, psychological, and spiritual dysfunction.”

The origin of doing intimacy work with men grew out of a need that our clients at our Men’s Center were presenting. We noticed that more and more men who were dealing with substance abuse issues also had sexual addictions that needed to be addressed. There was enough of a need that we decided to establish a group to work with clients specifically on those concerns.

In the early days of that group, we restricted admission to people who met strict criteria for sexual addiction. But as the group evolved, we decided to broaden the parameters so that even if a client did not meet strict criteria for sexual addiction, but wanted to work on addressing issues preventing them from being intimate with their romantic partners, they would be able to participate.

As the group took shape over the years, the curriculum evolved to address the issues that were underlying the sexual addiction or intimacy issues. Just like treating chemical addiction, to treat issues around intimacy and sexuality we need to go beyond the surface behavior to address the underlying emotional, psychological, and spiritual dysfunction.

If we do not go deeper than the problematic behavior, we will only be operating on the level of symptom management, rather than working toward a solution. 

We must work with our clients to start to answer deeper questions, like “What needs are not being met?” and “What emotional wounds are our clients attempting to address with the behaviors that prevent intimacy?”

Listen to “Vulnerability is a Sign of Masculinity”, a podcast featuring Rick McKain and other Men’s Center Staff:

The Real Issue: Do I Have What It Takes? 

For most of our male clients dealing with intimacy issues, we can often trace much of the dysfunction directly to their relationships with their parents, particularly their fathers. 

One of the resources we use to address this is the book You Have What it Takes by counselor and author John Eldredge. In it, he writes that the relationships between fathers and sons are characterized by the son constantly looking to the father for the answer to an important question: “Do I have what it takes?” 

How a father answers this question, with or without words, has enormous power to shape how the son perceives himself. 

When a person has this question answered for them positively, based on a healthy affirming relationship with their parents, they can deeply believe: “Yes, I have what it takes.”  This  knowledge provides them with a solid foundation for their intimate relationships going forward.  They can know that their value is not dependent on another person’s feelings about them, or anything else that may be outside of themselves. This security in their own worth and value provides them with the stability to be open and vulnerable in intimate relationships. They are free to take the emotional risks required to accept others as they are and allow themselves to be seen as they are. 

On the other hand, if a child is told some variation of “you are not enough,” or given no response at all, this leaves the person uncertain whether or not they do have what it takes.

“Often people’s sexual fantasies are attempts to resolve the trauma of not knowing whether they are enough.”

It is not that parents intend to answer this question negatively or intentionally withholding this answer from their children. Oftentimes, parents themselves did not have the question answered for them when they were children, and lack the capacity to answer it for their kids. 

With this essential question unanswered, a person will continue to search for somebody to answer it for them. Many men carry this unanswered question into their adult relationships. Because they are relentlessly searching for somebody to tell them they are enough, they are not emotionally available to be vulnerable and intimate with their partners. 

Often people’s sexual fantasies are attempts to resolve this trauma of not knowing whether they are enough. I was convinced of this by the research and writing of psychologist Mark Laser, Ph.D., who specialized in treating sexual addictions.  

It may sound far-fetched at first, but think about having a psychic wound—a secret belief that you are not enough or that you are fundamentally undesirable. Many of the men I work with carry this wound around with them, and many attempt to relieve the pain by developing the fantasy in which they are sexually desired by a partner or multiple partners. Such a fantasy where one is intensely desired and pursued provides the perfect salve for this wound of feeling unwanted, except it’s the wrong medicine for the wound. 

The problem is that fantasies exist only in the mind, and the relief that they bring is only temporary. Fantasies provide a false and fleeting substitute for the satisfying intimacy that we really desire and are wired to give and receive.  

Failed Attempts to Answer the Question

For a teenager or a young man, the initial jolt of sexual intimacy with their partner provides a sense of closeness and belonging that seems to satisfy their question. For a while, they feel, “Yes, I am enough.” But when the novelty of this relationship wears off, they find themselves returning to their unanswered question. This can lead to a string of superficial sexual encounters, pornography usage, and risky sexual behaviors. In some cases, this pattern develops into sexual addiction and often leads away from satisfying and intimate relationships.

Like any addiction, as time goes by, the subsequent encounters provide a diminishing sense of satisfaction for the person, and compulsive patterns always eventually bring unwanted consequences. However, as with substance abuse, the person can remain caught in the cycle despite the illogical destruction of the process. 

Sexual relationships are not the only places a person will look to answer this question. Their career, personal relationships, athletics, and physical training are other areas I’ve seen our clients look for reassurance that they have what it takes.  How it manifests is less important than the underlying need to be reassured that they are enough. 

“As a result of sharing and listening throughout the 12 weeks of the Building Better Relationships group, many of our clients not only learn about themselves, but actually experience the strength and resilience that comes through intimate relationships.”

The failed attempts to be reassured of this has played out in hundreds of different ways in the life of our clients who struggle with intimacy issues. In our group, each of them writes out these patterns through a trauma exercise, life story, and fantasy exercise, which they eventually share with the other members. Viewed together, these exercises give them a thorough understanding of the wound that they have and how they have tried to unsuccessfully resolve it through behaviors that prevent vulnerability and intimacy with their partners.

Over the course of the 12 weeks of the group, we do not have enough time to work through and resolve all the trauma. However, they are able to identify what their issues are and it lays the groundwork to continue to work on them with an individual counselor and maybe even a trauma therapist.

But perhaps most significantly, as a result of sharing and listening throughout the 12 weeks of the Building Better Relationships group, many of our clients not only learn about themselves, but actually experience the strength and resilience that comes through intimate relationships. The bond formed by men who go through this group together is so strong that frequently they maintain these intimate friendships over the course of a lifetime.

Through the process of being vulnerable and open with one another, they have begun to answer their question. They realize that they do have what it takes, and that the truly satisfying answer to the question cannot come from outside of oneself.

This builds a foundation for them to be able to be open and vulnerable with their romantic partners in a way that they were incapable of before.

Before they complete the group, they also write out their mission statement, answering the questions of what their mission is in life. Along with this, they develop a philosophy paper on inimacy, relationships, and sex. They present both of these papers on the final night of the extended group.

Both of these are personal to our clients. Like developing a belief in a higher power, like they do in Step 2, a life mission on intimacy and relationships are not dictated to them. For them to be successful, they need to feel that these statements connect to their deepest held values.  They present their vision for the future of their life and intimate relationships to the group on the final evening. Because of the closeness developed in the 12 weeks of the group, these men usually remain close with each other for years to come. They are able to provide feedback and accountability after the group is over and they continue to strive toward their ideals. 

Like all forms of recovery, community is vitally necessary to continue in the difficult but rewarding work. 

The gap between our unrealistic fantasies and truly intimate relationships can only be crossed through the process of practicing vulnerability. Our clients learn this through first practicing this vulnerability with one another and diminishing shame. In the process they learn—yes, they have what it takes to do the brave and courageous work of carrying that vulnerability home and creating intimacy in their personal lives as well.